The New Braunfels Floatilla

Hidey Ho float-monkeys your Highness the Float Master here. The 2006 floating season is here, the time of year we get together and make fun of people, solve all of the worlds ills, discuss the inequities of life and the reasons why Richie still drinks Natty light, all in a 2 ½ mile stretch of life elixir we call the Comal.

Let me bring you up to date on news of your fellow floaters: Captain James Esquivel will be home from towel-headasskaban country at the end of June. Zuul has moved to North Carolina and shall be severely demoted as will Steve and Torri for moving to Austin. Matt and Kerri Kyle spawned another child; of course it was a boy. Kelly decided to move to London and then a week later decided not to. The Zeech got promoted to Deputy City Manager so we don’t have to worry about Bankston doing any serious jail time while in town. Two float concubines got new “sweater puppies”, which is nice, and last but not least The Longhorns won the national Championship, again. Now on to the awards, earlier in April we had the name the “Float Theme Contest”. We had several excellent entries and it took the judges many minutes to come up with the winners of the different categories.

Best Klan Reference Theme: Rich Hale with “Ivory and Ivory a New Braunfels Tribute Float.

Best use of a Dictionary Theme: Amy Clark with “”flotsam & jetsam”n.

a) Wreckage or cargo that remains afloat after a ship has sunk.
b) Floating refuse or debris.
c) Discarded odds and ends.
d) Vagrant, usually destitute people.

Best Hispanic Themed Float: Rich Hale “Livin La Vida Floata”

Best Ghetto Theme: Rich Hale “Floatizzle Da Rivizzle”.

Best Hobbit Themed Float: Chandler Clark with his “Baggins of Bongwater”

Best Weather related Theme: Devon Hanna’s “Dry Hump”

Best WTF does that mean: Rick Purdy “Whaty uppy guppy”

Best Obscure Reference Theme: Rich Hale with “Watery tarts lying in rivers throwing jello shots at people is no basis for a system of government (said in an English accent)

Honorable Mention: 1. Rich Hale with “Can’t Sink This! – Hammerfloat” 2. John Bankston “The great pimp and ho float”

3rd Place: Babies are people too! (John Bankston)

2nd Place: “Think about how great this float would be if Vince Young was running it float”. (Rich Hale)

1st Place Winner: Devon Hanna with “More Beer = More River”

Soon to be available on a T-shirt, this brings me up to my next bit of news. Hopefully by the 4th of July we will have the web site set up to place orders for our new product line “Float Like Locals” we will have T’s, tanks, hats, Koozies, stencils for your tubes, key chains and all the rest of the crap you float with. There will be 20 hats available for $15.00 each. They will have the new Float Like Locals logo on the front with Flotilla 2006 on the back they are sure to be a collectors Item so reserve yours now. Email me at guadacoma@nbtx.com and let me know how many you want.

Let’s get floating! The first float will be our annual Memorial Day Float on Saturday May 27th at 1:00PM (note the earlier start date you out of town leg humpers.) There will be several newbies on the float so everyone be on your best behavior and don’t scare off the new chicks. Make sure everyone RSVP’s so we can wait for you if you are running late…………..shit I crack myself up.

Okay, okay, you can stop your whining; the album is back up.  You can see it HERE.

 We’ve moved to a new tool for the album that lets people comment on it and others besides myself manage it, upload pics, etc.  The Float Master is the current admin of the album, so direct all complaints to him.

WINTER NEWS LETTER

“Holy sweaty toob snakes Foat Master, we could have been floating all Winter”.

“Yeah”

“Easy, Boy Blunder and Tube Girl, night floats in January will make your nipples actually jump off of your skin.”

That was a conversation I had to have with a couple or neophite floaters who actualy think they know something about floating. It just goes to show you that you can buy them books and send them to school and what do they do?…………….They eat the pages and mate with the teachers.

Anyway they may have been right. It looks like our floating opportunities will be limited this year due to the lack of wet substance that was supposed to fall from the skies this year. So plan you trips to town early in the summer this year, seating is limited.

On to things that happen between float seasons:

Comal County Fair - What a hot mother fu #*^ ….no not the carnie babes, the temperature. 107 degrees on Saturday in September. Kelly’s friend Lori got so hot she had to take her shirt off on the Zipper. It really freaked out the 13 year old mexican children down on the ground.

Wurstfest - As usual there was sausage, beer and Bad Richie. Some of our old high school chums got boob jobs. The Float Master avoided hot grease on the leg two years in a row. Late night face painting became in vouge.Honor the Float Master - The Float Master turned 30 on December 10th and many were there to see the golden glow, and no one fell into sacrificial pit so that was a good thing…I think. New Years - Another year, another party, another Dustin Patrick sneak-off.Rosebowl - Praise be to the greatest college football quarterback to ever live. inVINCEable Young. After smacking down a series of posers the longhorns chewed up the condum eating fags from California to become the WORLD CHAMPIONS in college football. All hail the orange and white.

Still to Come:

Feb. 18th- Dev / Susan are having a party at THEIR house this weekend

Feb. 21st - Early voting starts, if you live in District 73 make sure you vote for Carter Casteel and not the political whore Natemo Noseeums.

March 3rd - Comal County Texas Ex Students Association will hold their annual fund raiser for local students to follow in the footsteps of the Float Master Scholarships.

March 14th - The Zeech turns 40.

March 15th - The Boy King turns 40.

March 25th - Kelly is having a “I’m becoming an English wanker” party at her house.

April 1st - Taylor Lee Day

TBA - Kelly “Tube Girl” moves to England.

Tune in later for news and official information.

FACTS ABOUT THE FLOAT-MASTER

• Rather than being birthed like a normal child, the Float-Master instead decided to punch his way out of his mother’s womb.
• The Float-Master recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know the beverage as Red Bull.
• The Float Master built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, the Float-Master caught all three bullets with his bare hand, JFK’s head exploded out of sheer amazement.
• The Float-Master sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, the Float-Master roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn’t stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Friday of the month.
• To prove it isn’t that big of a deal to beat cancer. The Float-Master smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and acquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.
• The Float-Master lives by only one rule: No fat chicks.
• When the Float-Masters wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, the Float-Master said, “Don’t worry about it honey,” and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and then he threw it up a few seconds later, it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, “Never question the Float-Master”.
• The Float Master once shot a Russian Mig out of the sky just by pointing his finger at it and yelling “BANG!”.
• A man once asked the Float-Master what his real name was. The Float-Master just stared at him until the man exploded.
• If you see the Float-Master, he can see you. If you can’t see the Float-Master you may be only seconds away from death.
• The Chief Export of the Float-Master is PAIN.
• Before each float the Float-Master is injected with five times the lethal dose of elephant tranquilizer. This is, of course, to limit his strength and mobility, in an attempt to lower the fatality rate of common floaters that question him.
• The Float Master can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying “booya”.
• The Float-Master doesn’t have normal white blood cells like you and I. His have a small black ring around them. This signifies that they are black belts in every form of martial arts and they roundhouse kick the shit out of the viruses.
• The Float-Master tried to sue Burger King after they refused to put razor wire in his Whopper Jr., insisting that that actually is “his way”.
• The Float-Master IS suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
• After much debate President Bush decided to bomb Iraq and Afghanistan to dust rather than send in the Float-Master. His reasoning? It was more “humane”.
• The Float-Masters’ right fist is named Pain and his left is named Suffering.
• The Float-Master doesn’t sleep. He waits.
• The Float-Masters’ tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

Float monkeys, don’t forget the fair is this weekend who’s going and when?

The Comal County Chapter of University of Texas Ex Students Association will be hosting a game watching party at Scores Sports Bar, Saturday Sept. 10th starting at 6:30. All members of the flotilla are invited as well as your friends and family who are fans of the horns. We will be giving away prizes at the quarters and half. Please email me at guadacoma@nbtx.com if you are coming so we can reserve tables.

Hook’em Horns.

Aggies are invited too so they can see how it is done. No Buckeyes.

Sorry this update has taken so long this summer heat is making the Float Master very busy these days.
The Troop float was a success. We raised enough money to buy a DVD/VHS player to the River Rat Platoon, now if I could get Kelly to come get the money and go buy it we would be great.
I guess everyone is getting better at telling time, because MOST everyone was there and ready to go at 1:00 including the two “empty beer cans” Sara and Michele. We even had time to anchor for a while and still get home in time to relieve the baby sitters.
Some great news for the flotilla. We have a new future floater, little Madeline Snow born Aug. 29th 5:15 Pm. Congratulations to Lob and Hellcat.

There will not be an official float labor day weekend because all the organizers will be at football games watching the Horns drown the Ragin Hurricane Victims and the Aggies battle the Clemson Kittens. There have been rumors of an unauthorized float on Sat. if you get the itch get in touch with the Boy King or Busta Rymes.
This just in from Major General Karin “I forgot her name” Hawkins:

Hey guys,
Just checking to see if anyone is up for a concert on Labor Day weekend on Sunday… Floore’s Country Store… should be fun, and afterwards everyone is welcome to cool down at my house (midnight swim, foosball, welcome to crash)… I might even make some pancakes on Monday morning… J
Music runs from 12:30PM-1:00AM
The schedule is:

Doors open at 12 Noon
1:00-1:45 HAYES CARLL
2:00-2:45 JON DEE GRAHAM
3:00-3:50 RANDY ROGERS BAND
4:05-4:55 SCOTT MILLER & COMMONWEALTH
5:10-6:00 RAY WYLIE HUBBARD
6:15-7:15 JAMES MCMURTRY
7:30-8:30 LEE ANN WOMACK
8:45-9:45 CROSS CANADIAN RAGWEED
10:00-11:30 JACK INGRAM
11:30-1:00 After Party with The Weary Boys

Best,
Karin

Pictures for the troop float will be up after I get them developed and when Rob gets home with his little bundle of money and time gobbler.

This is also the official end of float season and begining of Football season and Wurstfest. There will be official events hosted by the flotilla so stay in touch. Remember to get your shirt we have only 4 girls tanks left and about 12 T-shirts in various sizes. email me at guadacoma@nbtx.com if you need one.

As you all should know the Troop Float is Sat. the 20th at 1:00PM! (NOT 2:00 Patrick). Everyone bring $10.00 extra for the shirts, we have both guys and girls shirts now so when I say everyone that means you. For flotillians bringing guests make sure they are on time and have money for tubes and shirts. Remember all proceeds go to our adopted platoon in Iraq.

I will need models for both the guys and girls shirts for the web site so if you are good looking enough please get there a little early so we can use you, and no there will be no pay, just know you are doing something good for the community.

Please email me if you have any questions.
guadacoma@nbtx.com
Peace Out
Your Float Master.

Here is one of the newsclippings from the paper on Rick’s record breaking lifts. Make sure you slap him on the back and tell him what a panty waisted Nancy-Boy he is for banging the bar on 570 lb’s. Then tell him you can’t be friends with anyone who doesn’t lift over 600 lb’s.

Good Job Rick. This is the kind of thing that will get your ranking moved up Mr. Honor Guard.

Thanks to Kelly’s hard work the New Braunfels Flotilla has adopted a Platoon in Iraq. They have been nicknamed the River Rats by us and the next float on August 20th will be in their honor. Kelly is our contact to them and we will be collecting some of the items listed below or you can donate some money. The following is the information Kelly was sent:

The 1st Platoon of Cavalry Troops will be deployed to Iraq until approximately Mar ‘06; there are 18 members in this platoon
The unit runs, in addition to it’s regular missions, a Quick Reaction Force for the camp where they rotate the Scout Platoons every week, they are cut off from most morale initiatives during these periods making entertainment scarce to maintain their readiness. They are trying to improve their Building’s morale items as far as sporting equip., TV and Movie viewing, and games. Here is a list of items that have been requested specifically, but would appreciate any of the following items:

Entertainment: DVD Players and DVD’s(Action, Horror, Comedy), TV’s, Small Stereos(CD’s/Rock, Classic Rock, Rap, Country), Computers of any type, Handheld games, Cameras of any type, PS2’s and X-Boxes(Games, Action, Racing), Tactical/Utility Knives are High in Demand!(CRKT, SOG, Cold Steel, Spyderco, Swiss Army, etc).

Sporting Equip.: Boxing Gloves w/Mouth Guards(Stress Relief), Softball equip., Horseshoe Sets, Miniature Golf type sets(Putter/Retriever), GNC Products(Diet, Workout Supplements), Push-Up Bars

Magazines/Books: Hunting, Guns, Knives, Sports, Sci-Fi, Fantasy, Horror

Assorted Candy and writing materials, gel pens, etc.

Don’t forget our very owne Capt. James E. is in Afghanistan and he is our adopt our soldier over there. We also may have ship-outs of Capt. Dan and Maj. Karin so be ready to float for them too. Remember the best thing we can do for our Troops overseas is to party for them and entertain their women (or men if you are of the other gender).

For those of you with lets say less than stellar rankings you can do a lot if you bring one or more of these items to the float. Think of it as extra credit.

See you there,
Your Infamous Float Master.

Due to threatened legal action and the recommendation of our staff attorney (actually he is the complainer and our attorney) he has quoted a very obscure and poorly written law: Float By-Laws: Article XI, Subsection A (1)(b)(iii): “No classification of floaters shall ever be formed or designated by anyone. There shall be no hint of exclusion or segregation by the EO (equal opportunity) Floatilla.”

Although the ruling council superscedes all laws physical, natural, and legal we feel it is in the best interest to create a catagory in our ranking system that has no numerical scale good or bad, yet the name of this ranking speaks for itself. In hindsight we realize we have needed this ranking for many years because there are so many of our floaters that fall into this catagory.

From hinceforth forward the following ranking of; FLOAT PRINCESS will be incorporated into our rankings and bylaws, and let it be known that all members falling into the ranking of FLOAT PRINCESS male or female shall be known as such.

Note: Rankings have been adjusted this 28th day of July year of our Lord 2005.

Float Rankings are never set in stone or should I say they aren’t in the cooler, and they are sometimes combined like a River Nutria with River Scum coated fur, living in an empty beer can and eating fountain darters, which means you are an indefinable freak (Charlie Zech). So in no particular order here we go:

Busta Rymes – Cooler Guard
Dev – Cooler Guard
Platt - Honor Guard
Kelly “GK” – Squire
Michele “Shell” – Empty Beer Can
Sara – Empty Beer Can
Rick Purdy – Honor Guard
Maj. Karin – Karin has served her punishment as River Scum and is now promoted back to floater.
Karin’s friend who stole the river camera – River Scum
Common Law Caryn – Floater
Taylor – Blind Nutria
Travis “Criminal” Crim – Honor Guard
Le “Lele” Hale – Squire
Matt Kyle – Float Princess
Kerri – Float Princess
Rob “Lob” Snow – Nutria in a Cooler
Melissa “Hell Cat” Snow – Floater
Chan – Nutria Squire
Boy King – Honor Guard
Susan Gregory – Squire
Capt. Dan – Cooler Guard
Kristin “jell-o shot” Perry - Floater and a bag of chips
Barron “the giant” – Nutria
All of Chris’s Austin Work Friends – River scum
Beverly Zech – Float Princess
Charlie “Zeech” – Float Princess
Susan “Mrs Big Rick” Purdy – Floater
Capt. James “Squivel” Esquivel – Honor Guard
Tiffany “Stiffany” Esquivel – Empty Beer Can

This list always growing so if you don’t see your name leave a comment and I will add you after talking to the review board.

Float Rankings
2005
Lowest to highest

1. River Scum – First time floater or just a really really bad floater, or a combination of both
2. Hydrilla – You are annoying and bad for the river. People like you and hate you at the same time
3. Algae – You serve no purpose and you do nothing, you are just along for the ride and your ok with that.
4. Nutria – You are only cute from great distances, up close you are really just a big river rat. Only really drunk people think you are cute and funny. Almost everyone has a little nutria in them
5. Empty Beer Can – You used to be something; but now you hardly ever come to float anymore and when you do you usually complain when we dock, and dare I say it? You probably don’t even like to float anymore.
6. Fountain Darter – A very rare rank you are between good and bad. You can be great one float then a pain in the ass the next, or you are semi-new and show some potential; you just haven’t put in the time. (Most women are Fountain Darters.)
7. Blind Salamander – You’ve been to a few floats but you just can’t seem to ever be there on time but otherwise you are ok. (Taylor is a perfect example of the Blind Salamander.)
8. Floater – You are usually on time, you bring beer just for you, but you don’t really apply yourself to the float doctrine yet.
9. Squire – Basically the same as a Floater, but you have put in enough time so you know how to take the cooler down without tipping it or get caught in the backwash. You’ve got a couple of float seasons behind you and it looks like you may have a future with the float team.
10. Cooler Guard – What a squire is trying to achieve. A veteran, you have river skills, very respectable river skills. Cooler Guard members make sure the cooler is always safe. (No female has ever achieved or surpassed the rank of Cooler Guard as they are typically incapable of comprehending the requirements of such a task.)
11. Honor Guard – You are one of the very long time floaters you are fun to be around, you bring toys and or Jell-o shots, a creative floater that adds to the enjoyment of the float. Highest possible rank attainable by non-royalty.
12. Vice Float Master - Chris Benson & Richard Hale serve as Float Master when the Float Master is not there. Their word is the same as the Float Master unless it is contradictory to the Float Masters word, regardless of location of the Float Master.
13. Float Master – He who shall not be named. Do not look directly into the eyes of the Float Master and always do what he says and do it rapidly.

* Float Princess - No discription available.

Poker party at Patricks see the following:

Sunday….7PM….1758 Oak Forest Drive, 78132. Put a note that the grill is available for those that want to cook prior to playing. Maybe a little pre-poker party……river attire is welcome…….I can set up the kiddie pool and slip n slide too if they want. make sure they send me a note so we don’t get too many…first come first served. I’ll respond via email once I get enough peoples…….RSVP to ptlee@thescooterstore.com

As you can see by the clock on the site the Freedom Float is fast approching. It looks like we will have a much bigger one than last year. There will be several guests attending this year so make sure you are on your worst behavior. In keeping with the theme try to wear red white and blue. If someone would like to take it upon themselves to bring some plastic flags it will be noted in your ranking. Susan and Kelly are already bringing water cameras, but we would love to have some other perspectives so please feel free to purchase them then give them to Rob or Stoney after the float and we will put them on the site.

Charlies daughter Aaryn will be bringing her new boyfriend on the float, this is a perfect oportunity to make a high school freshmen really uncomfortable. Oh and Kelly will also be bringing a “friend”, I have been asked to reserve my comments until later……I will try.

Don’t forget the float is at 1:00PM. I will say it one more time. Have your shit secured and ready to go at 1:00PM sharp. New people you need to get there by at least 12:30 to get your tube, shuttle band and entrance fee. Bring lots of cash for your stinking rip off tube deposit.

Ladies don’t forget we have to take a picture before we get in for James “Squivel” Esquivel serving in Afganistan.

Rankings will be posted after this float so be ready.

The Following is just in from Kelly her email follows:
“I just got a call from the adopt a platoon lady in Tennessee. Looks like our float team is adopting a platoon in Iraq…she said it would probably be a platoon of about 15-30 soldiers. I am going to be the contact person & they are supposed to e-mail me some information & a contact within the platoon. I gave her our website & told her we would be floating this weekend & we would take pics for them.”

Can you send out an e-mail or put it on the website so that people will wear red, white, and blue on the float?

Allah Don’t Float.

Our benevolent Float Master has decreed that there will be a new logo for the Floatilla, so stop browsing for nothing useful and break out your skillz and create them. Send logo to logos@nbfloat.com and we’ll put them up for review by the ruling council.

You can take a look at the current logo entries via the Logo Designs tab at the top of the screen.

They said it couldn’t be done…..and they were right.

The fourth of July Freedom Float Weekend is a week away and you should be itching in spots that hurt to scratch, they only way to sooth it is to get into the healing waters of the Comal. As duly ordained Float Master I have decreed the big float shall be on Saturday at 1:00PM. Yes that is one o’clock for Chris’s Austin friends, that means you LEAVE Austin at 11:30 not a quarter to one. Speaking of Austin, lets give the Boys Of Summer a big Hook’em Horns, yes that is another National Championship for the mighty Longhorns. There is double joy for me in this years win for me, not only did we win it with authority, it made Richie the maroon blooded Aggie of the flotilla go in to work on a Sunday to print national championship t-shirts. Yes there is a God and he is a just God. Speaking of champions lets here it for the San Antonio Spurs “Go Spurs Go”! For all you Dallas and Houston floaters. The Mavericks suck and the Rockets blow, but they are still better than the scum swilling Lakers.

Because this is a long weekend sub-floats are condoned this weekend, but as I said earlier the big one is on Saturday, if you want to do a naked night float with Kelly on Monday night and watch the fireworks from the water at Hinman Island go right ahead. If you want to float Sunday morning you heathen scum feel free, just don’t stand next to me when our just and loving but spitefull God comes calling.

The floater profiles are still coming, We are creating a logo which I will post when we have the final version. If anyone has float pictures other than you ones we have on the site, please send them to me.

See you on Saturday at 1:00PM.

As a very rare event, applications are being taken for the “Floatilla”. This is a chance to join the most exclusive floating organization in the United States, so don’t miss out. If you have the desire, the will, the means to be part of this team, click on the “Applications” link above and follow the instructions.

The pics from the float are up for your viewing enjoyment. We also have a few pics of the ‘98 Flood that came from somewhere.

The Unofficial official float season kick off as you all know was memorial weekend. I was not able to attend due to a meeting with the president of Kalaallit Nunaat. I did hear from my spies that there were murmurs of demoting the Float Master. We know who you are and you will be punished. How many times do I have to tell you people this isn’t a democracy.

Memorial Day Float. The official numbers are not in, but we do know Vice Float Master Benson was in charge with his new bride Common Law Caryn in tow, although she says we can’t refer to her in that name anymore because she is officially married, I have not seen any documents proving her wedlock, and Chris said it really isn’t official because they were married in a third world country and all he as to do to end it, is say “I break with thee, I break with thee, I break with thee.” And then he throws dog poop on her shoes. So look for the poop before approaching Caryn.
The VF verified attendance of several members of the floating community he stated and I quote “Our Mexican Mafia was there”, and from the transcripts it appears Ceasar was making fun of either white guys or the Counting Crows, we are not sure and there will be further investigations. That is all I have to report except for the fact that the disembarking was exactly on schedule, you would think kudos for the VFM but read on.

The James Esquivel living memorial Float. This float was in honor of our newly shipped out Capt. James “naked-boy” Esquivel who is currently busy killing Ahab the Arab in Afganistan so we can continue to allow our women to float in bikini’s and not burkas. This float was semi-well attended with plus or minus 30, not the greatest boy to girl ratio though. Only two people get the bonus points for wearing camo, one was Kelly and the other was yours truly. Since I can’t get any higher on the float scale I will give my bonus points to our VFM since he invited newbies from Austin and they showed up an hour late. The VFM did warn them of the consequenses and even told them when to leave, but they are computer dweebs and were too busy playing Star Wars Galaxies on their computer to leave on time, but here is the kicker, THEY WERE ALL GUYS. Not a single fem-floater among them, I shouldn’t be surpised since they work for Oracle, he said he would make it up next float, which brings us to the……..

Stealth Float, this float will be attended by both VFM’s and the FM. Make sure you are on your most prompt behavior because the Mrs. FM and Mrs. VFM (Hale) will also be attending and they have little Float Master and little Vice Float Master at home and they can’t be away from them longer than three hours so if you are not there at 1:00 PM you will be floating alone. What am I saying, my Mrs. Float Master is always late so lets just say you better be there when she gets there. As usual the time will be 1:00 Pm Sat. 6/11/05 at Landa Falls. There is now a map from several cities on the site for your convience.

After the Stealth Float we will be assigning your rankings, don’t sugguest one for yourself it doesn’t help.
Pictures will be posted as soon as Kelly gets them made to disk.