A guide to Toobing in Texas
Floating Like Locals
The Insiders Guide to Toobing in Texas.
INTRODUCTION
I. Planning your Float (A Seaworthy Asylum)
A.) Getting it together.
B.) Delegating Authority
C.) When and Where
D.) Commitment
II. Hierarchy (Who’s runnin thangs?)
A.) Establish your reign
B.) Pickin yer crew.
C.) Keeping the minions in line
D.) Throwing out the trash
III. Getting Ready
A. Cover Yourself
B. Are those my glasses?
Myths and legends
Phones
C. Waiting for the Austinites
D. He was just here…
E. The toob Count…I will be right back
IV. The Cooler-Dealing with the Mothership
A. What is a cooler
B. What goes in
C. What doesn’t
D. Accesorries and Specialties
Smoke on the water-Buster and Rob
Wine is not beer
How much do I need
Where to find a beer
E. The Mothership
The mothership is a term I am sure was borrowed from various genre’ over the years, but has a very specific reference for this author. R&B Funk master Supreme and creator of the infamous Parliament, Funkadelic, and the P-Funk All Stars, George Clinton, introduced me to this term and I embraced it as a moniker of safety and security in all situations. The Float Mothership is exactly that; a bastion of security and stability in what will inevitably be rocky times. You see the Kooler, attached to a toob of decent floatablity is basically unsinkable in the water normally floated by the general pubic. Some people would tend to put their most experienced floaters on the the Mothership, to guard its content and keep the life blood of the float secure. This author has always put his most inexperienced floaters (under direct/experienced supervision) in charge of the Mothership for one simple reason. Unless general panic insues, the Mothership and all that it entails will, thru shear force and engineering, do nothing but go with the flow of the river. It has no choice. It floats, the tube carrying it floats, its contents float, and all those attached, pending they stay that way, will also go the way of the river.. What better place for a weak floater that with the most durable of our resources.
The marriage…kooler and toob
Kooler vs. Sig other
V. Getting your toobs- One size fits Most
A. That’s my toob
B. Bottom V. No bottom
C. Toob Gymnastics
Flat toobs
The puritan
The stem
D. Tempurature and Poundage
E. Owning your own toob
Not just anyone can own their own toob. Back in the day, any slob could sashe’ down to the local gas station, by a toob and call themselves a floater. If I had a dime for every person I knew that did that, well, I would have…quite a few dimes…wait, that’s a quarter…and at least one nickel. For the most part, the majority of river patrons rent tubes, only a few, mostly locals own them…here’s why.
VI. Dealing with Chicks
A. What to tolerate
Unicorn horn
B. The Kooler Revisited
Lots of chicks will treat your cooler like their own personal armore’
C. Is she too good looking
Reeeeaaaaaly good looking chicks will attrack more dudes to your float, which is the last thisng you want
D.Guys who are chicks
May not be gay
VII. The Float
A. Catching the floatilla
B. The Molecule
C. Satlilites
D. The Conversation
E. Dealing with the Public
Talking to rednecks (nascar)
lThe language barrier
keepin’ it real
affiliations
F. Your First Rapids
E. The Aftermath
VIII. The Stretch
A. Making it Last
B. Where to pull over
C. When to bail
In case of Fire
D. Patching up the relationship
IX. Float Olympics
A.Guys who Swim
B. Wailing on your buddy
C. “the Jaccuzi”
D. Living Vicariously
E.The Infirmary
X. THis is The END
Getting Out
Purging the Floatilla
The Waiting
The Shuttle
Likes to Fight Guy
Must identify
Where’s my toob
Post Float Festivities
Glossary
Float
Float Master
Vice Float Master
Sargent at Arms
Floatilla
Mothership
Float Crew
Austinites
Purging
Shuttle
Likes to fight Guy
Jacuzzi
Satlilites
Molecule
Dudes
Chicks
Bottoms
Minions
Dead Soldier
Purtitan
Stem
Toob
Kooler
Accessories
Specialties
El Duble’
Chute
Redneck
River Scum-out of favor
Noobies
Float concielare’
Comal- lady
Guad- whore