Memorial Day Float Report
Colored Disks of Jiggling Death. That’s how I would describe the memorial Jell-O shots. In all my years of I have never witnessed or experienced a Jell-O shot that would actually fool your gag reflex into thinking you’ve been up for 36 hours drinking syrup of ipecac and eating Indian food. There was so much ever-clear in the red ones I don’t know how the hell they even congealed, they must have use Clydesdale hooves in the recipe. The peach C.D.J.D’s tasted like Whitney Houston’s arm-pits after a hard weekend of hittin the pipe with Bobby and dancing the chicken dance to Mariachi music. The green devils kicked harder than a Chuck Norris heel kick to your crotchal region. A few of the rookie floaties ended up having a few too many and ended up writhering around burping up food but all and all there was very little damage done, but we have a new rule, Kelly and Mary are excused from Jell-O duty unless they get mixing lessons for a Chillis bartender. Let’s give them an A-.
Remember when we changed the time from 2:00 PM to 1:00 PM, and we sent out email after email, posted the time on Devon’s “myspace” called CNN and Fox News and had them report it to the national media? No? Well either does VFM Chris’s Austin contingent. Once again we waited around for the cubical dwellers and once again they were late, they even made Chris late by putting holes in his tubes so he would be late. (That’s the story he gave me anyway). Fran came in special from Uzbekistan or where-ever the hell he’s from and he was there early. Zuul (there is no Dana, only Zuul) made it to town and the river by 12:30 I even gave him tube and ice chest loading duty. We also need to give anti-kudos to Rick the brick Purdy for not even making it to the float. I said he was spending time with his FAMILY, can you believe that crap?
The river was ate up with tourists this year. I could walk from Hinman to the chute on top of stupid people. I love yelling snake when its really crowded with Houston chicks, and somebody for the love of the lord please tell the “20 somethings” that arm barbwire tats and tramp-stamps aren’t cutting edge anymore. I’ve never seen so much wasted ink since I wrote my senior thesis in psych class. Face it tattoo craze has passed you bye, you missed it, think of something else to set you apart from the crowd like not listening to rap music and talking like ghetto boyzzzzzz & gurlzzzzz. There is nothing the float master hates more than bunch of Anglo-Saxons from “Texas State” listening to Snoop Dog and calling each other “Nigga”. As a matter of fact it is now a city ordinance that we are allowed to drag your ass out of the river and cave your head in with a flat river stone….I know I know, but I didn’t write it, but it’s the law.
Let’s move on the some quick float updates and news in the world which is mine to command:
It is looking like the Float Master and Dave “Scoop” Ferguson may have our own show on KGNB/KNBT (92.1 FM 1420. AM) not sure which yet but tune in July and listen to our profound wisdom on how we think the world should be run. The Freedom Float is fast approaching so secure you tubes and beer early; red white and blue will be the colors of the day. Check back for more details.
Matt “I like having babies” Kyle and Kelly the “Peanut Heiress” Nicholson, are next on the big over the hill chopping block. I would tell you about the parties, but I’m sure a lot of you aren’t invited.
Captain James “Taliban Killer” Esquivel is back in the states and should be returning home to Austin in the next week or so. Tiffany is already trying to get him to enlist in the Navy so he will have to ship out again where he can’t spend any money and she gets to buy new vehicles. I have also noticed her yard man Nos Moking Sr. has been spending a lot of time at the house as well. Enough for now my little flotsam and jetsam. Remember…..The float will be with you……always.