Don’t forget Floaters and Floatesses, bring extra cash for your official Floatilla hats and shrits which will be available for purchase before we get on the river. Remember all proceeds of these sales go to our Floaters now stationed in Iraq and Afganistan, Aphganistan, Affglanistan……never mind you know what I mean.
What can you say about Kenny V that hasn’t already been said about Hitler, except “at least Hitler killed himself when he lost”. Kenny is the latest but I’m sure not the last of a long line of Houstonites retiring here in New Braunfels, and because they lived such an isignificant life in Houston they come here and run for city council so they can tell us poor small town hicks how things should be. Similar to another of his kind, Paul Frazier, KV was so bad he got his ass voted out of office serving the unexpired term of a felon. Basically the felon was more honest than Ken. Our boy Ken was the architect of the famous 4 foot tube and 16 oz cooler law that has the rest of the state pointing and laughing at us. We wish Ken all the best in his next endevor of political sign relocation consultation.
Tiffy, is another of our new “mother breeder”, but unlike the others Avery hasn’t clipped her mommies wings quite as much as the others. Tiffany has special place in our heart. She gives James just enough rope to rile up the crowd and not enough to allow him to hang himself. Her unholy tolerance of her husband when he’s drinking is legendary (Tiffany, tiffany, tiffany, tiff, hey tiffy, tiff, tiffany, tiff, tiffy, hey tiffany, “you get the picture”). Rare is the site of an angry Tiffany. Thanks to her husbands home video being passed around the web we can confirm that the carpet does match the curtains, thank you James.
To the Masses…
I have been asked by the FM to give a message to the floating masses out there. As VFM, I will impart this to you. Try not to ever cut your fingernails too short. If you let them grow long enough, sometimes in your excitement to get them cut you will at times over estimate the length and cut them too short. Upon doing this, it is very possible that you could irritate the underling tissue and esepcially the corner area of the nailbed. Sometimes if you are trying to grab something after doing this, but you don’t get a really good handle on whatever it is, and then it slips and you have to really clinch down hard to keep form dropping it, it can really hurt. And then it hurts for like 2 days every time you grab something or bump into that stupid countertop again. Then it gets all red and pussfilled and you’d rather have cut your whole freaking finger off instead of just the nail. Inevitably you have to take out the trash, and you do, ok, except for one little part of the bag is sticking out of the can, so you lean over just to flip the top up so it can fall in, and you hit it again! It is so sore now you fall to your knees sobbing like a child, screaming, WHY WHY WHY like that idiot Nancy Kerrigan after Tonya had her caned. When all you really wanted was people to stop looking at your ridiculously long claws.
Rich Hale VFM
Hidey Ho float-monkeys your Highness the Float Master here. The 2006 floating season is here, the time of year we get together and make fun of people, solve all of the worlds ills, discuss the inequities of life and the reasons why Richie still drinks Natty light, all in a 2 ½ mile stretch of life elixir we call the Comal.
Let me bring you up to date on news of your fellow floaters: Captain James Esquivel will be home from towel-headasskaban country at the end of June. Zuul has moved to North Carolina and shall be severely demoted as will Steve and Torri for moving to Austin. Matt and Kerri Kyle spawned another child; of course it was a boy. Kelly decided to move to London and then a week later decided not to. The Zeech got promoted to Deputy City Manager so we don’t have to worry about Bankston doing any serious jail time while in town. Two float concubines got new “sweater puppies”, which is nice, and last but not least The Longhorns won the national Championship, again. Now on to the awards, earlier in April we had the name the “Float Theme Contest”. We had several excellent entries and it took the judges many minutes to come up with the winners of the different categories.
Best Klan Reference Theme: Rich Hale with “Ivory and Ivory a New Braunfels Tribute Float.
Best use of a Dictionary Theme: Amy Clark with “”flotsam & jetsam”n.
a) Wreckage or cargo that remains afloat after a ship has sunk.
b) Floating refuse or debris.
c) Discarded odds and ends.
d) Vagrant, usually destitute people.
Best Hispanic Themed Float: Rich Hale “Livin La Vida Floata”
Best Ghetto Theme: Rich Hale “Floatizzle Da Rivizzle”.
Best Hobbit Themed Float: Chandler Clark with his “Baggins of Bongwater”
Best Weather related Theme: Devon Hanna’s “Dry Hump”
Best WTF does that mean: Rick Purdy “Whaty uppy guppy”
Best Obscure Reference Theme: Rich Hale with “Watery tarts lying in rivers throwing jello shots at people is no basis for a system of government (said in an English accent)
Honorable Mention: 1. Rich Hale with “Can’t Sink This! – Hammerfloat” 2. John Bankston “The great pimp and ho float”
3rd Place: Babies are people too! (John Bankston)
2nd Place: “Think about how great this float would be if Vince Young was running it float”. (Rich Hale)
1st Place Winner: Devon Hanna with “More Beer = More River”
Soon to be available on a T-shirt, this brings me up to my next bit of news. Hopefully by the 4th of July we will have the web site set up to place orders for our new product line “Float Like Locals” we will have T’s, tanks, hats, Koozies, stencils for your tubes, key chains and all the rest of the crap you float with. There will be 20 hats available for $15.00 each. They will have the new Float Like Locals logo on the front with Flotilla 2006 on the back they are sure to be a collectors Item so reserve yours now. Email me at guadacoma@nbtx.com and let me know how many you want.
Let’s get floating! The first float will be our annual Memorial Day Float on Saturday May 27th at 1:00PM (note the earlier start date you out of town leg humpers.) There will be several newbies on the float so everyone be on your best behavior and don’t scare off the new chicks. Make sure everyone RSVP’s so we can wait for you if you are running late…………..shit I crack myself up.
Okay, okay, you can stop your whining; the album is back up. You can see it HERE.
We’ve moved to a new tool for the album that lets people comment on it and others besides myself manage it, upload pics, etc. The Float Master is the current admin of the album, so direct all complaints to him.
Phear us.