The New Braunfels Floatilla

FACTS ABOUT THE FLOAT-MASTER

• Rather than being birthed like a normal child, the Float-Master instead decided to punch his way out of his mother’s womb.
• The Float-Master recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know the beverage as Red Bull.
• The Float Master built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, the Float-Master caught all three bullets with his bare hand, JFK’s head exploded out of sheer amazement.
• The Float-Master sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, the Float-Master roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn’t stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Friday of the month.
• To prove it isn’t that big of a deal to beat cancer. The Float-Master smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and acquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.
• The Float-Master lives by only one rule: No fat chicks.
• When the Float-Masters wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, the Float-Master said, “Don’t worry about it honey,” and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and then he threw it up a few seconds later, it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, “Never question the Float-Master”.
• The Float Master once shot a Russian Mig out of the sky just by pointing his finger at it and yelling “BANG!”.
• A man once asked the Float-Master what his real name was. The Float-Master just stared at him until the man exploded.
• If you see the Float-Master, he can see you. If you can’t see the Float-Master you may be only seconds away from death.
• The Chief Export of the Float-Master is PAIN.
• Before each float the Float-Master is injected with five times the lethal dose of elephant tranquilizer. This is, of course, to limit his strength and mobility, in an attempt to lower the fatality rate of common floaters that question him.
• The Float Master can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying “booya”.
• The Float-Master doesn’t have normal white blood cells like you and I. His have a small black ring around them. This signifies that they are black belts in every form of martial arts and they roundhouse kick the shit out of the viruses.
• The Float-Master tried to sue Burger King after they refused to put razor wire in his Whopper Jr., insisting that that actually is “his way”.
• The Float-Master IS suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
• After much debate President Bush decided to bomb Iraq and Afghanistan to dust rather than send in the Float-Master. His reasoning? It was more “humane”.
• The Float-Masters’ right fist is named Pain and his left is named Suffering.
• The Float-Master doesn’t sleep. He waits.
• The Float-Masters’ tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.