The New Braunfels Floatilla

Major Karin “I forgot her name” Hawkins

When the Hawk is not breakin hearts she’s fixin’em. As legitimate Doctor in our flotilla she has saved countless lives. I once saw her replace Chandler Clarks defective heart with one she removed from river nutria she hunted and killed while on a float last year, her only surgeon’s tools were a broken beer bottle and hair from Matt Kyle’s chest to stitch it up with.

Even though she is a very creative river surgeon she is terrible at the “tube-sit” after repeated lessons from the Float Master himself she failed miserably. I guess tube-sitting wasn’t on her M-CAT.

Sidebar: If you injure yourself on the river it better not be more than six inches from the heart, any farther and she doesn’t know what the hell she is doing.

Poker party at Patricks see the following:

Sunday….7PM….1758 Oak Forest Drive, 78132. Put a note that the grill is available for those that want to cook prior to playing. Maybe a little pre-poker party……river attire is welcome…….I can set up the kiddie pool and slip n slide too if they want. make sure they send me a note so we don’t get too many…first come first served. I’ll respond via email once I get enough peoples…….RSVP to ptlee@thescooterstore.com

As you can see by the clock on the site the Freedom Float is fast approching. It looks like we will have a much bigger one than last year. There will be several guests attending this year so make sure you are on your worst behavior. In keeping with the theme try to wear red white and blue. If someone would like to take it upon themselves to bring some plastic flags it will be noted in your ranking. Susan and Kelly are already bringing water cameras, but we would love to have some other perspectives so please feel free to purchase them then give them to Rob or Stoney after the float and we will put them on the site.

Charlies daughter Aaryn will be bringing her new boyfriend on the float, this is a perfect oportunity to make a high school freshmen really uncomfortable. Oh and Kelly will also be bringing a “friend”, I have been asked to reserve my comments until later……I will try.

Don’t forget the float is at 1:00PM. I will say it one more time. Have your shit secured and ready to go at 1:00PM sharp. New people you need to get there by at least 12:30 to get your tube, shuttle band and entrance fee. Bring lots of cash for your stinking rip off tube deposit.

Ladies don’t forget we have to take a picture before we get in for James “Squivel” Esquivel serving in Afganistan.

Rankings will be posted after this float so be ready.

The Following is just in from Kelly her email follows:
“I just got a call from the adopt a platoon lady in Tennessee. Looks like our float team is adopting a platoon in Iraq…she said it would probably be a platoon of about 15-30 soldiers. I am going to be the contact person & they are supposed to e-mail me some information & a contact within the platoon. I gave her our website & told her we would be floating this weekend & we would take pics for them.”

Can you send out an e-mail or put it on the website so that people will wear red, white, and blue on the float?

Allah Don’t Float.

What can I say about Man-whore? This cross-dressing shirt stealing lunatic is one of the many aggie transplants to slither into our midst. When he is not stealing Willie Nelson Tee-Shirts from Longhorns he is cross-dressing in his grandmothers Moo-Moo’s. His proclivity for inappropriate sexual advances and his total disregard for the Christian code of ethics have earned him his moniker.

When he is not stealing from others you can find him camped out on the Texas State campus in front of one of the girls dorms with a six pack of budwiser and a ½ gallon of baby oil.

It’s hard to profile Benson. By hard I mean you have to be careful.
Even though he is one of the more experienced Rivermen around and his skills are to be respected, he can be a bit sensitive. So I must say…respectfully, of course and with no malice intended…if George Costanza and Jimmy Buffet were to have a gay love child, they’d squeeze out a little Chris Benson.

When the first Float rankings came out a couple of years ago, Chris was the only one to retain counsel regarding his status, and bring up anyone who’s assigned float level may have been achieved thru some sort of bribe or extortion. Most of you are still under his review. All this from our second highest ranked Float Official, who still can’t get to the drop zone on time. ‘There can be only one’, Float Master that is, so get over it Chris.

One thing you can’t say about Chris is that he lacks Float energy. Actually that is true of him in most settings. Especially when it comes to all things Longhorn. This is evident by his choice of color on the car he drives. I mean really, aside from numerous gay male hairdressers in the South Austin area, who else would drive a Tangerine Audi Coupe, a convertible no less. You don’t’ take that car to a gay pride parade…that car is a gay pride parade. I wouldn’t be surprised if it was Richard Simmons car before Chris bought it, maybe there is a pencil in the glove box with Richards teeth marks…’George’.

Chris won’t admit this (like most horns), but he likes Aggies…those that have relations with sheep, those that are unable to do 4th grade math, those that like to play army and march around tooting horns, he doesn’t discriminate. Chris is also recently married, or at least that is what he says. And to that I say, thank you Caryn. Thanks for taking our little loveable gnome of a VICE Float Master and making him somewhat human.

Chris once brought a radio to the float…that was pretty cool.

Rob “Lob” Snow

Lob is our resident computer nerd, his techno-geek knowledge is only supplanted by his ability to give you the heights of male actors from the 40’s and 50’s, straight and gay. Rob is the website administrator so we will have to refrain from really pissing him off. Rob is probably the greatest person I have ever known. He is brave, kind, thrifty, and loyal, he is like a medium sized dog that doesn’t fetch and kind of smelly but great for a laugh when he corners a squirrel.

If Rob didn’t have a pregnant wife we would swear he was Just Jack from the “Will and Grace” TV series. Thin, neat, dresses well and drives a BMW.

Our benevolent Float Master has decreed that there will be a new logo for the Floatilla, so stop browsing for nothing useful and break out your skillz and create them. Send logo to logos@nbfloat.com and we’ll put them up for review by the ruling council.

You can take a look at the current logo entries via the Logo Designs tab at the top of the screen.

Vice Float Master Rich Hale,

Rich Hale, hails from the Maroon encrusted city or cities of Bryan/College Station. They are Aggies so they can’t really decide what city they live in or where the borders are. He attended Bryan High then Aggie High. He graduated with a degree in Floating while serving in the Corp. of Cadets where he learned how to polish his boots and cut his own hair.

Mr. Hale is the only royalty of the flotilla that still lives out of town. The 3 hour drive is nothing more than a jaunt down the road to Rich when you mention “float this weekend.” He has logged more hours on the Comal than most of the flotilla combined. He has shed himself of the auslander stigma with his purchase of lederhosen and his ability to give correct directions to any place in New Braunfels that serves breakfast tacos. Inventor of the vertical tube sit, and many of our commonly used float phrases such as the “float molecule” and “cooler etiquette”. His only major flaw is his choice of beer. When you open up a cooler and see the sickening shine of Natty Lights you know you have groped the wrong cooler. Richie confesses “I can’t drink those fancy beers you nancy-boys drink. I’d drink mule piss if I can find enough of it to last me down the river.”

Mr. Hale’s favorite activity in the whole world is drinking Natty lights and watching the 1999 U.T. vs aTm game.

They said it couldn’t be done…..and they were right.

The fourth of July Freedom Float Weekend is a week away and you should be itching in spots that hurt to scratch, they only way to sooth it is to get into the healing waters of the Comal. As duly ordained Float Master I have decreed the big float shall be on Saturday at 1:00PM. Yes that is one o’clock for Chris’s Austin friends, that means you LEAVE Austin at 11:30 not a quarter to one. Speaking of Austin, lets give the Boys Of Summer a big Hook’em Horns, yes that is another National Championship for the mighty Longhorns. There is double joy for me in this years win for me, not only did we win it with authority, it made Richie the maroon blooded Aggie of the flotilla go in to work on a Sunday to print national championship t-shirts. Yes there is a God and he is a just God. Speaking of champions lets here it for the San Antonio Spurs “Go Spurs Go”! For all you Dallas and Houston floaters. The Mavericks suck and the Rockets blow, but they are still better than the scum swilling Lakers.

Because this is a long weekend sub-floats are condoned this weekend, but as I said earlier the big one is on Saturday, if you want to do a naked night float with Kelly on Monday night and watch the fireworks from the water at Hinman Island go right ahead. If you want to float Sunday morning you heathen scum feel free, just don’t stand next to me when our just and loving but spitefull God comes calling.

The floater profiles are still coming, We are creating a logo which I will post when we have the final version. If anyone has float pictures other than you ones we have on the site, please send them to me.

See you on Saturday at 1:00PM.

Matt, used to be the counsulere’ of the flotilla but after numerous marriages and instant children Matt has fallen in disfavor with the ruling party. Even though his excuses for missing the floats have grown tiresome, his past supplies of floosies from “Bad-Match.com” have given him a few more months’ leeway. Matt’s days of bachelorhood are behind him now with a lovely wife who is sure to either kill him in his sleep or slowly poison him when she finds out he is a homosexual. Matt is the only male in the group who actually did Community Theater and has been know to pick up a guitar and play a song other than the first few bars of smoke on the water. Matts’ 15 minutes of fame came back in college at Tiny School U. where he greased up and won the Mr. Oklahoma contest and played football for the Roo’s. No we are not kidding…..The Roo’s. They won all of their games except for the schools that had an actual football team and didn’t just play the woodwind sections of their bands.

Matt’s hobbies include collecting neck scars and singing ballads. If you want to get his attention just slip and fall somewhere and he’ll hand you one of his cards.

Melissa hails from our very own New Braunfels Texas. Unfortunately she attended the red cat school across town which probably accounts at least partially for her float name of “Hell-Cat” A long time floater with golden locks, sparkling eyes and a winning smile, fool many into thinking she is sweet and innocent. When crossed, you will see why she is named Hell-Cat. With a flash of her red eyes she has been known to cause grown men to wet themselves and children to spontaneously combust. Beware a hungry Hell-Cat

Her hobbies include being pregnant, and drinking the blood of the innocent.

(Edited for fear of my life)

Caryn Benson, is the newlywed of the floatilla. She married into royalty when she got hitched to our very own Vice Float Master Chris. Caryn CURRENTLY works for the local newspaper the Herald Zeitung selling ads to the Float Master. Common Law has the distinct and sole position of being the only “complete” red head in the entire floatilla. Unlike most of her kind Common Law has a very sweet disposition until you get on her bad side. Many Shubs and Zuules have roasted in that pits of the Slore when that happens.

Caryn enjoys changing jobs, living in sin, and making friends with the same name.

As you can see by Busters picture he swallows a lot of stress……along with a lot of cheese burgers. Buster has the most interesting job of the group, he is private investigator or as we like to say a “private dick”, he models himself after Magnum P.I. but exercises more like Cannon. His good nature and continuing efforts to always bring in new fem-floaters makes him a valuable asset to the float molecule.

Eric is president of a sub-group of floaters called the “come get-ya some, gang” for their animalist sexuality that drives our fem-floaters into a foaming mouth frenzy.

As a very rare event, applications are being taken for the “Floatilla”. This is a chance to join the most exclusive floating organization in the United States, so don’t miss out. If you have the desire, the will, the means to be part of this team, click on the “Applications” link above and follow the instructions.

Kelly is one of our few single and unattached fem-floaters, unfortunately for the single guys in our group she isn’t a slut, she just acts like one. Kelly is on the prowl for anyone who will provide her with an infant. Her desire for a child is only equaled by her desire to not have a boyfriend which is posing a problem for her. Kelly has the single distinction in our group of having the same name as her latest husband hence the initialed moniker GK (Girl Kelly).

Her other names are Blondie, Man Killer, and Whitey.

Kelly enjoys counting body freckles, saving money for breast implants and torturing Patrick. She is currently accepting applications for her love child sponsor.

Well…the questions is how could such little float ability be crammed into such a huge package. It’s like when you get the biggest gift under the tree at Christmas, but when you open it; your gay uncle has given you a gift certificate: Only this gift certificate is for a person…and that person really sucks at floating. I mean really sucks at it…a lot. If they floated in Revelations, Barron would be the “Anti-Floater”. What he lacks in floating ability, he makes up for in…well, not much else. If you were caught between two really bad rapids, you could tip him over to span the current and use him to cross with safety. Yes…yes…that would be something Barron could do.

John “The Boy King” Bankston

John is one of those guys that is both fun and scary to have on a float, his legendary “Jungle Juice” as just been picked up by General Motors as an alternate fuel source, you can drive all day on it, but your car pukes out its transmission fluid in your garage that night.

John is a long time veteran of the float and he has evolved over the years….into a type of Otis Campbell of the float. You know he’s around, you know what kind of condition he will be in, so to keep everyone safe we just leave the keys to the float on the hook. He lives life on the razors edge, laugh in the face of death, devil may care lifestyle has earned The Boy King his reputation with the ladies,…….that and his Python. John is summed up like this “3 drinks…2 hands”…you do the math.

What can I say about Dana’s floating abilities, that hasn’t already be said about Afghanistan. He’s bombed out and depleted. I have seen turds float in a bowl with more skill than this elderly water statesman. Dana is good at exactly 2 things on a float, getting drunk and getting sunburned…and both way too early. It is kinda like having Keith Richards as a float partner. Dana is a Yankee; he thinks he’s from Texas. Dana is a redneck; he thinks he’s a refined Southern Gentleman. Dana is French Canadian, he thinks he’s German.

Dana is often drunk; he thinks he’s often not. That being said, Dana is really good to have on a float, that is if your float is like a ship full of seasick passengers who are all puking and have diarrhea…except you. It is always good to have someone around who is doing worse than you are.

Dana’s Hobbies are drinking beer and talking about drinking beer and having a girls first name.

Devon “D” Hanna

This pic pretty much sums Devon up. Doing nothing and taking up twice as much space while doing it. As one of the floats most eligible bachelors, Dev’s care free attitude comes as no surprise. Call it liaze faire, carpe diem, or I just don’t give a crap, Devon has set the bar high for prefloat uselessness. As a product of the 70’s, Dev’s “embracing” of all that made that decade great, gives us a true renaissance man, a throwback if you will, to a more relaxed, unconcerned, disinterested, and mellow time that will make even the stiffest shirt put a towel under the door of life and say, “don’t bogart it”. But beware, even in the above pic, there is a hint of “come git ya some! As long as I doesn’t have to get up.”