The New Braunfels Floatilla

TO FLOAT OR NOT TO FLOAT? THAT IS THE QUESTION.

Float Master — Mon, 07 Jun 2010 17:02:36 +0000

I’m sure all of you know this already, but the Float Master is AWESOME. Only he was man enough to pull the double float whilst others of weaker fortitude ditched both days in favor of watching Opra reruns (read, Rich Hale, Rick Purdy, Taylor Lee). It was a great float both days with only minor run ins with New Braunfels river gestapo (read New Braunfels Police Department) and a face off between the Float Master and Justin Beiber at Landa Falls.

Lets give a river “Harumf” to Johnny the “Carpet Bagger” as he heads off to battle the Aknods in the garden spot of the world, and one to “Army” Dan for protecting us from the River Gestapo when they started beating one of our femfloaters for saying excuse me when her tube touched their little river raft. Much thanks Dan, we hear she may be coming out of her coma in the next few days.

Next official float will be July 3rd. The FM and the VFM’s are considering a Guadalupe float this year, you can voice your opinion if it makes you feel better.

Yours in the bond of the river.

Float Master.

Memorial Day 2010

Float Master — Thu, 27 May 2010 21:49:35 +0000

Welcome to the Memorial Day float 2010, we hope this years float will be better than last year when over half the flotillia wussed out because of a little rain. Real Flotilla members float at all costs. This year looks like it will be a good one, high water makes for a speedy trip so drink fast and hard. It may even be a good Idea to pre-medicate whilst waiting for the late comers. This year we are going to try something new with two santioned floats both at 1:00PM on Saturday and Sunday. You will get points for both. The river is going to be very crowded this year, so if you are renting tubes make sure you go early. We scheduled the float for 1:00 so maybe we can get in the river at 2:00PM. We are getting in at the same place, the Wurstfest grounds, if you get lost don’t call me, stop and ask someone.

We have a few changes in the rank and file officers this year. Vice Float Master Richie the second in command has been demoted, the following is his excuse for missing this years float yet again:

Dear Float Master,

I was volunteering downtown at the homeless shelter when I noticed two orphaned children playing on the train tracks. Had I not been able to complete the CPR I was performing on a elderly lady who choked on her sweet potatoes, I might not have gotten to them in time. I heard the train and ran toward the unsuspecting youth. I dove just in time to save them from death, tossing them both into a pile of winning lottery tickets. I reached back to retrieve the little girls kitty, only to drop my bible in the process. Reaching for it’ my Lance Armstrong bracelet hooked on the train axle and dragged me for around 50 yards. It was silicon of course, and recoiled me airborne onto a mugger knocking him unconscious, and unexpectedly rescuing Jessica Alba who was in Bryan and carrying a fair amount of cash on her person for a Pheobe’s home fundraiser. She thanked me and also donated $1000 to the Boys Club in my name. You can here about it on E! next week. Seacrest plays me in a dramatization.

Apparently he sprained an ankle or some other small bone while carrying out these multiple rescues. Although his excuse is admirable, it falls short in the eyes of the Float Master. Mr Hale has been demoted to number 2 VFM and Mr. Benson is now number one. Always remember the number one rule of the Flotilla. In absence of the word from the FM, the VFM is the law and cannot be challenged.

We have some disturbing news from our government affairs committee out of Washington D.C. it seems Mr. Obama wants to declare himself Float Master after seeing a picture of the Comal River on our web site. The legal department is currently looking into filing charges against his administration and a cease and desist order has been filed.

Short on time today so I will include my other articles in the post float wrap up next week.

May the float be with you

Float Master.

Memorial Day 2009 Pig Flu Float

Float Master — Thu, 28 May 2009 21:15:55 +0000

Well if you didn’t have the pig flu before the float you probably got it afterwards, it was a little cool on the ole Comal, but a seasoned and well trained group of 12 braved it and lived to tell it. It took a little coaxing and name calling but we were able to get everyone in the water. The float master was able to hold off the rain for the whole float so lets give him a round of applause right now. Here are a few of the pics, more to come as I get them. Next float is the standard red whitel and blue float on July 4th.

How to know if I should bring a friend to the float.

Float Master — Tue, 19 May 2009 14:00:41 +0000

Hell No Yes Yes NO yes Yes NO NO Yes Yes No Yes Questionable

Another good rule of thumb to use if you are a guy and you are bringing other dudes most likely the answer is NO. I hope these tips have been helpful for you.

I Survived the Swine in 09, Memorial Day Float

Float Master — Tue, 19 May 2009 13:31:46 +0000

If you were one of the lucky few who were able to avoid the pig flu and all of its hype you are invited to the 20th annual Memorial Day Flotilla.

We will launch from our usual spot at the Wurstfest grounds at 2:00PM (that is launch time not get there time), make sure you have secured a flotation device earlier. If you show up at 2:00 and then think we are going to wait for you to stand in line to get your tube and shuttle pass, you are sadly mistaken. Out of town people, there will be traffic so make sure you leave home early.

The after party will be a Devon’s house on Lockener, his phone number is 830-643-4764 so call him if you need directions.

May the float be with you.

Memorial Day Float 2008

Float Master — Wed, 28 May 2008 20:22:08 +0000

It is with heavy heart that I have to anounce if you missed the Memorial Day Float, you missed the best float of 2008 (so far). Some notable notes: I did my best impression of a rookie and lost my sunglasses and visor; The VFM Benson lost the late VFM’s toob; We found a new place to “hole up” and finish the beer in our miniscule coolers before we have to get out; No one got a ticket but we did recieve a warning for a styrafoam cup, had it been a guy and not an attractive female in a small bikini the “officer” would have dragged them out beat the teeth out of them and then sited him with a $250.00 ticket. Check the photos, more to come when Kelly gets hers to me. See you bastards on July 4th or 5th, I haven’t decided which day yet.

End of an Era

Float Master — Thu, 22 May 2008 20:42:19 +0000

It is with a heavy tube, and a light cooler that I address you today. Although my efforts to maintain my status with the Floatilla have been noble, it is obvious that no efforts on my part alone will allow me to respectfully perform my duties as Vice Float Master from this point forward. Although the original float team has remained in tact, additions to it have placed considerable stress on MY immediate float molecule and have rendered it unable to travel at this time. If you have studied as I have the molecules delicate structure, any additions or deletions to its integrity are crucial. As all of you know, my (and my families) history on this float is considerable, but not greater than any other participant, and surely not greater than the VFM responsibilities themselves. So it is with that that I resign my duties as VFM, projecting all VFM responsabilities (with FM approval) to VFM Benson. I have confidence that VFM Benson will maintain the level of excellence we have prided ourselves on, that is of course, as long as he has a functioning watch, so he can get to the drop on time. My memories of OUR floatilla are too many to mention. I can simply say, I will replay them in my dreams this summer, until the time when our tubes can meet again, and the jello shots, flow like wine. The greatest times of my life have been spent in the waters of our glorious Comal, and in the last 2 ATM vs. tu. football games, but more so in the river…except for that 3^rd quarter in ’06, man that was awesome!!! Sorry, ahhemm, missing this years MDF will hopefully put our need for the floatilla in perspective, and deem our so-called “responsabilites”, as just another thing we make time for; like the gym, or church, or some kid’s graduation from elementary school who I don’t even know. Sure Le taught him 5 years ago, but please, I have never laid eyes on him, which basically means either he had no artistic talent or his Mom was ugly. Trust me, I remember ALL the no talent retards with super hot Moms from Le’s classes. I hang their art in my office like it’s my own kid’s. Sorry again. When I think of you standing on the banks of my beloved Comal this weekend, I can only think back to all the things that I always think of when we are called to it’s shores. “Why doesn’t Devon carry anything, ever, are his wrists broken?” “Is Chris gonna be late again?” “Why does Bankston have glitter on?” “Why, does Buster?” Then the ladies. Oh you glorious river flowers, how I will miss you. Bumming cigs for a jello shot, a quick flash for the Rednecks on the banks, just to keep yourself “grounded”, nice touch. “Whoops, did I forget I was married”, I love you!. I wont’ place blame with anyone but myself for allowing this diversion to keep Le and I from our most hollowed annual event. Was it me that, got sick…wait…that was Grayton 2 years ago!!! Then my fatherly enstinct took over this winter… wait a sec….William’s a boy, slap a boob in his mouth (any boob) wipe his ass and he’s fine. “What’s my problem!!! This is ridicuolous!!! Why am I getting mail from Design Star? Shit there’s one from Tyra! Have I lost all my manhood?” The answer my fellow floaters is…no, just half of it. The half that I hope you will think of as you try to polish off a 6’er before the train bridge this weekend. The half that will think of back flips off the GSB. The half that will NOT carry that bitches cooler up the LPE unless you see boobies. I will be there in, spirit, pulling that drunken chics bikini straps, so you CAN see them without touching her cooler (filled with her friends clothes no doubt… stupid bitch). I love you all. You too Barron.

Richie Hale

VFM Ret. 2008

MDF 2008

Float Master — Thu, 22 May 2008 20:41:30 +0000

Dear Floatinis,

Hear Ye, Hear Ye, The first official float of the year is quickly approaching. I have degreed it to be held Sat. May 24th. 1:30PM at the usual starting spot on the Comal, the Wurstfest grounds, I don’t know they call it now. Make sure you read the list of rules that the all knowing city council has enacted so you don’t get a ticket like someone I know, go to this web site then click municipal codes and then type in the search box “dumbass river rules” http://www.ci.new-braunfels.tx.us/

We will be awarding the “Floater of The Year Award”, this years winner is Me, for taking one for the team by myself last year while the rest of you kowtowed like the spineless Mr.. Lupner. (Sat. night live ref #1) Don’t forget to wear your float like locals t-shirt, if you don’t have one I will try to bring some for SALE $7.00.

I have added a bunch of new people to the list this year. Same as last year, if you want to be removed from this email group, reply to me with a note saying you want to be removed.

Yours in the bond of the Float

The Float Master.

Where has the summer gone?

Float Master — Thu, 16 Aug 2007 15:47:38 +0000

Soggy pile monkey nuts. Thats what I think of this summer. Between the endless rain and a City Council with courage of a field mouse and brians of a one celled organism, the summer of 2007 came in like a wet rat and is leaving like a drowned rat. Tubing sucked, no one came in for floats and I have to mow my lawn every weekend. I have nothing else to say. Float Master out!

Maybe Wurstfest will be kickin.

Judge delays decission on “Stupid Ordinances”

Float Master — Fri, 22 Jun 2007 19:25:26 +0000

River rules hearing delayed

About 50 people crowded into a small courtroom on the third floor of the Comal County Courthouse Thursday morning for a hearing in the 207th District Court presided over by Visiting Judge Ron Carr, in place of District Judge Charles Ramsay who recused himself in April.

During the hearing, the city’s attorney Bradford Bullock said to Carr that people are “trying to have you say New Braunfels is passing ‘stupid’ ordinances like the 16-quart cooler ordinance.

“Well, the city can pass ‘stupid’ ordinances and if people don’t like it, they can vote the (city council) out,” Bullock said. “Your honor, you, or the courts, cannot replace that rule.”

David Earl, representing STOP, responded by saying “Good, decent people have the right to be treated fairly.”

“The city is saying a 48-quart cooler is like a bazooka,” Earl said. “The city can pass ‘stupid’ ordinances, but not if they’re illegal. I’m pleading for justice.”

The public hearing was meant to determine if the members of STOP have standing, or a personal stake in the case. However, the lack of a decision upset some in attendance.

“This (the lawsuit) is the biggest farce I’ve ever seen,” said Bill Shanahan of New Braunfels. “If things aren’t broken, I say don’t fix it — and don’t be screwing it all up for the small businesses.”

Shanahan, a retired ironworker who has lived in the city since 1959, said he attended the hearing because he was a concerned citizen and nothing else.

“If people are misbehaving (on the river) put them in jail, otherwise leave the rest alone,” he said. “This doesn’t make sense. Outsiders are laughing at us. That ain’t right.”

The 90-minute hearing was held without the use of microphones, and many leaned forward and listened intently as Carr said he would need time to review reports and evidence handed over by both sets of attorneys in the lawsuit.

Carr said he would rule on the issue at 1 p.m. on June 29.

The lawsuit — aimed at throwing out the city’s river ordinances regulating cooler size and other rules on the Guadalupe and Comal rivers in New Braunfels — originally was filed with the Comal County District Court on April 5.

However, several amendments, including one to eliminate the $1.25 per person river management fee levied on outfitters by the city, and other delays kept pushing the issue further back on the court’s docket, officials said.

STOP is seeking an injunction against the city alleging a violation of the Texas Alcoholic Beverage Code, according to court papers. Members of the lawsuit include: Rockin “R” River Rides, Texas Tubes, Corner Tubes, Gruene Home Run Batting Cage & Tubing, Stone Randall Williams and Lindsay Michelle Crim.

“With one side arguing (legal) minutiae and the other side fighting for the rights of Texans, it did go as expected,” Williams said. “The letter of the law is an interesting animal, but I believe the judge feels we have shown standing.”

Following the attorneys’ verbal jousting session, and the judges decision, representatives on both sides were legally accosted by various print, radio and television media crews waiting in the hallways and outside the courthouse.

“We really enjoyed the opportunity to present our case in court,” attorney Mick McKamie said. “We feel confident that Judge Carr will rule in our favor, and higher courts will, too.”

While the two sides plan to regroup ahead of a possible decision June 29, STOP attorney Scott Tschirhart said he is “still hopeful that ongoing settlement negotiations with the city may be concluded ahead of the judge’s ruling.”