The New Braunfels Floatilla


June 7, 2010

TO FLOAT OR NOT TO FLOAT? THAT IS THE QUESTION.

Filed under: Floating — Float Master @ 11:02 am

I’m sure all of you know this already, but the Float Master is AWESOME.  Only he was man enough to pull the double float whilst others of weaker fortitude ditched both days in favor of watching Opra reruns (read, Rich Hale, Rick Purdy, Taylor Lee).  It was a great float both days with only minor run ins with New Braunfels river gestapo (read New Braunfels Police Department) and a face off between the Float Master and Justin Beiber at Landa Falls. 

Lets give a river “Harumf” to Johnny the “Carpet Bagger” as he heads off to battle the Aknods in the garden spot of the world, and one to “Army” Dan for protecting us from the River Gestapo when they started beating one of our femfloaters for saying excuse me when her tube touched their little river raft.  Much thanks Dan, we hear she may be coming out of her coma in the next few days.

Next official float will be July 3rd.  The FM and the VFM’s are considering a Guadalupe float this year, you can voice your opinion if it makes you feel better.

 Yours in the bond of the river.

Float Master.

May 27, 2010

Memorial Day 2010

Filed under: Floating — Float Master @ 3:49 pm

God Bless America  Welcome to the Memorial Day float 2010, we hope this years float will be better than last year when over half the flotillia wussed out because of a little rain.  Real Flotilla members float at all costs.  This year looks like it will be a good one, high water makes for a speedy trip so drink fast and hard.  It may even be a good Idea to pre-medicate whilst waiting for the late comers.  This year we are going to try something new with two santioned floats both at 1:00PM on Saturday and Sunday.  You will get points for both.  The river is going to be very crowded this year, so if you are renting tubes make sure you go early.  We scheduled the float for 1:00 so maybe we can get in the river at 2:00PM.  We are getting in at the same place, the Wurstfest grounds, if you get lost don’t call me, stop and ask someone. 

We have a few changes in the rank and file officers this year.  Vice Float Master Richie the second in command has been demoted, the following is his excuse for missing this years float yet again:

Dear Float Master,

   I was volunteering downtown at the homeless shelter when I noticed two orphaned children playing on the train tracks.  Had I not been able to complete the CPR I was performing on a elderly lady who choked on her sweet potatoes, I might not have gotten to them in time.  I heard the train and ran toward the unsuspecting youth.  I dove just in time to save them from death, tossing them both into a pile of winning lottery tickets.  I reached back to retrieve the little girls kitty, only to drop my bible in the process.  Reaching for it’ my Lance Armstrong bracelet hooked on the train axle and dragged me for around 50 yards.  It was silicon of course, and recoiled me airborne onto a mugger knocking him unconscious, and unexpectedly rescuing Jessica Alba who was in Bryan and carrying a fair amount of cash on her person for a Pheobe’s home fundraiser.  She thanked me and also donated $1000 to the Boys Club in my name. You can here about it on E! next week.  Seacrest plays me in a dramatization.

Apparently he sprained an ankle or some other small bone while carrying out these multiple rescues.  Although his excuse is admirable, it falls short in the eyes of the Float Master.  Mr Hale has been demoted to number 2 VFM and Mr. Benson is now number one.  Always remember the number one rule of the Flotilla. In absence of the word from the FM, the VFM is the law and cannot be challenged.

We have some disturbing news from our government affairs committee out of Washington D.C.  it seems Mr. Obama wants to declare himself Float Master after seeing a picture of the Comal River on our web site.  The legal department is currently looking into filing charges against his administration and a cease and desist order has been filed.

Short on time today so I will include my other articles in the post float wrap up next week.

May the float be with you

Float Master.

May 28, 2009

Memorial Day 2009 Pig Flu Float

Filed under: Floating — Float Master @ 3:15 pm

Well if you didn’t have the pig flu before the float you probably got it afterwards, it was a little cool on the ole Comal, but a seasoned and well trained group of 12 braved it and lived to tell it.  It took a little coaxing and name calling but we were able to get everyone in the water.  The float master was able to hold off the rain for the whole float so lets give him a round of applause right now.  Here are a few of the pics, more to come as I get them.  Next float is the standard red whitel and blue float on July 4th.

 

May 19, 2009

How to know if I should bring a friend to the float.

Filed under: Floating — Float Master @ 8:00 am

candy man.bmp  Hell No   12_lrgz.jpg Yes   superwoman.jpg  Yes    ATT2662934.jpg  NO   The blond.jpg  yes     bike girl.bmp  Yes    benson party balls.jpg  NO      airbags.jpg  NO     tsunami surviver.jpg  YesATT00103.jpg  Yes     How to know if I should bring a friend   No    image001.jpg  Yes Aggie Richie.jpg Questionable

Another good rule of thumb to use if you are a guy and you are bringing other dudes most likely the answer is NO.  I hope these tips have been helpful for you.

 

 

 

 

I Survived the Swine in 09, Memorial Day Float

Filed under: Floating — Float Master @ 7:31 am

If you were one of the lucky few who were able to avoid the pig flu and all of its hype you are invited to the 20th annual Memorial Day Flotilla.   

We will launch from our usual spot at the Wurstfest grounds at 2:00PM (that is launch time not get there time), make sure you have secured a flotation device earlier.  If you show up at 2:00 and then think we are going to wait for you to stand in line to get your tube and shuttle pass, you are sadly mistaken.  Out of town people, there will be traffic so make sure you leave home early.

 The after party will be a Devon’s house on Lockener, his phone number is 830-643-4764 so call him if you need directions.

May the float be with you.

May 28, 2008

Memorial Day Float 2008

Filed under: Floating — Float Master @ 2:22 pm

It is with heavy heart that I have to anounce if you missed the Memorial Day Float, you missed the best float of 2008 (so far).  Some notable notes:  I did my best impression of a rookie and lost my sunglasses and visor;  The VFM Benson lost the late VFM’s toob; We found a new place to “hole up” and finish the beer in our miniscule coolers before we have to get out; No one got a ticket but we did recieve a warning for a styrafoam cup, had it been a guy and not an attractive female in a small bikini the “officer” would have dragged them out beat the teeth out of them and then sited him with a $250.00 ticket.  Check the photos, more to come when Kelly gets hers to me.  See you bastards on July 4th or 5th, I haven’t decided which day yet.

 

The moleculecooler holderDevon what are you doing? We encourage this.The famous water bottle balancing trick.What a coupleBusta Rhymes and MiguelWhat a cute coupleSea MonsterMary and KellyWe win the pose off......NOT!pose off.Maria and BrittneyThe molecule on the moveThe FM and AmberLas ChicasAlmost too many dudes on this floatWigger ChicksStu?Devon what are you doing?New peoplebiting is allowedIf thine eye offend thee...Pluck it out!

May 22, 2008

End of an Era

Filed under: Floating — Float Master @ 2:42 pm

It is with a heavy tube, and a light cooler that I address you today.  Although my efforts to maintain my status with the  Floatilla have been  noble, it is obvious that no efforts on my part alone will allow me to respectfully perform my duties as Vice Float Master from this point forward.  Although the original float team has remained in tact, additions to it have placed considerable stress on MY immediate float molecule and have rendered it unable to travel at this time.  If you have studied as I have the molecules delicate structure, any additions or deletions to its integrity are crucial. As all of you know, my (and my families) history on this float is considerable, but not greater than any other participant, and surely not greater than the VFM responsibilities themselves.  So it is with that that I resign my duties as VFM, projecting all VFM responsabilities (with FM approval) to VFM Benson.  I have confidence that VFM Benson will maintain the level of excellence we have prided ourselves on, that is of course, as long as he has a functioning watch, so he can get to the drop on time.  My memories of OUR floatilla are too many to mention. I can simply say, I will replay them in my dreams this summer, until the time when our tubes can meet again, and the jello shots, flow like wine.  The greatest times of my life have been spent in the waters of our glorious Comal, and in the last 2 ATM vs. tu. football games, but more so in the river…except for that 3rd quarter in ’06, man that was awesome!!!  Sorry, ahhemm, missing this years MDF will hopefully put our need for the floatilla in perspective, and deem our so-called “responsabilites”, as just another thing we make time for; like the gym, or church, or some kid’s graduation from elementary school who I don’t even know.  Sure Le taught him 5 years ago, but please, I have never laid eyes on him, which basically means either he had no artistic talent or his Mom was ugly.  Trust me, I remember ALL the no talent retards with super hot Moms from Le’s classes.  I hang their art in my office like it’s my own kid’s.  Sorry again.  When I think of you standing on the banks of my beloved Comal this weekend, I can only think back to all the things that I always think of when we are called to it’s shores.  “Why doesn’t Devon carry anything, ever, are his wrists broken?”  “Is Chris gonna be late again?”  “Why does Bankston have glitter on?”  “Why, does Buster?”  Then the ladies.  Oh you glorious river flowers, how I will miss you.  Bumming cigs for a jello shot, a quick flash for the Rednecks on the banks, just to keep yourself “grounded”, nice touch.  “Whoops, did I forget I was married”, I love you!.  I wont’ place blame with anyone but myself for allowing this diversion to keep Le and I from our most hollowed annual event.  Was it me that, got sick…wait…that was Grayton 2 years ago!!!  Then my fatherly enstinct took over this winter… wait a sec….William’s a boy, slap a boob in his mouth (any boob) wipe his ass and he’s fine.  “What’s my problem!!!  This is ridicuolous!!!  Why am I getting mail from Design Star?  Shit there’s one from Tyra!  Have I lost all my manhood?”  The answer my fellow floaters is…no, just half of it.  The half that I hope you will think of as you try to polish off a 6’er before the train bridge this weekend.   The half that will think of back flips off the GSB.  The half that will NOT carry that bitches cooler up the LPE unless you see boobies.  I will be there in, spirit, pulling that drunken chics bikini straps, so you CAN see them without touching her cooler (filled with her friends clothes no doubt… stupid bitch).  I love you all.  You too Barron. 

 

Richie Hale 

VFM Ret. 2008 

MDF 2008

Filed under: Floating — Float Master @ 2:41 pm
Dear Floatinis,  
   Hear Ye, Hear Ye, The first official float of the year is quickly approaching.  I have degreed it to be held Sat. May 24th. 1:30PM at the usual starting spot on the Comal, the Wurstfest grounds, I don’t know they call it now.  Make sure you read the list of rules that the all knowing city council has enacted so you don’t get a ticket like someone I know, go to this web site then click municipal codes and then type in the search box “dumbass river rules” http://www.ci.new-braunfels.tx.us/  
  
We will be awarding the “Floater of The Year Award”, this years winner is Me, for taking one for the team by myself last year while the rest of you kowtowed like the spineless Mr.. Lupner. (Sat. night live ref #1) Don’t forget to wear your float like locals t-shirt, if you don’t have one I will try to bring some for SALE $7.00. 
  
I have added a bunch of new people to the list this year.  Same as last year, if you want to be removed from this email group, reply to me with a note saying you want to be removed. 
  
Yours in the bond of the Float 
  
The Float Master. 

August 16, 2007

Where has the summer gone?

Filed under: Floating — Float Master @ 9:47 am

Soggy pile monkey nuts.  Thats what I think of this summer.  Between the endless rain and a City Council with courage of a field mouse and brians of a one celled organism, the summer of 2007 came in like a wet rat and is leaving like a drowned rat.  Tubing sucked, no one came in for floats and I have to mow my lawn every weekend.  I have nothing else to say.  Float Master out! 

 

Maybe Wurstfest will be kickin.

June 22, 2007

Judge delays decission on “Stupid Ordinances”

Filed under: Floating — Float Master @ 1:25 pm

River rules hearing delayed

About 50 people crowded into a small courtroom on the third floor of the Comal County Courthouse Thursday morning for a hearing in the 207th District Court presided over by Visiting Judge Ron Carr, in place of District Judge Charles Ramsay who recused himself in April.

During the hearing, the city’s attorney Bradford Bullock said to Carr that people are “trying to have you say New Braunfels is passing ‘stupid’ ordinances like the 16-quart cooler ordinance.

“Well, the city can pass ‘stupid’ ordinances and if people don’t like it, they can vote the (city council) out,” Bullock said. “Your honor, you, or the courts, cannot replace that rule.”

David Earl, representing STOP, responded by saying “Good, decent people have the right to be treated fairly.”

“The city is saying a 48-quart cooler is like a bazooka,” Earl said. “The city can pass ‘stupid’ ordinances, but not if they’re illegal. I’m pleading for justice.”

The public hearing was meant to determine if the members of STOP have standing, or a personal stake in the case. However, the lack of a decision upset some in attendance.

“This (the lawsuit) is the biggest farce I’ve ever seen,” said Bill Shanahan of New Braunfels. “If things aren’t broken, I say don’t fix it — and don’t be screwing it all up for the small businesses.”

Shanahan, a retired ironworker who has lived in the city since 1959, said he attended the hearing because he was a concerned citizen and nothing else.

“If people are misbehaving (on the river) put them in jail, otherwise leave the rest alone,” he said. “This doesn’t make sense. Outsiders are laughing at us. That ain’t right.”

The 90-minute hearing was held without the use of microphones, and many leaned forward and listened intently as Carr said he would need time to review reports and evidence handed over by both sets of attorneys in the lawsuit.

Carr said he would rule on the issue at 1 p.m. on June 29.

The lawsuit — aimed at throwing out the city’s river ordinances regulating cooler size and other rules on the Guadalupe and Comal rivers in New Braunfels — originally was filed with the Comal County District Court on April 5.

However, several amendments, including one to eliminate the $1.25 per person river management fee levied on outfitters by the city, and other delays kept pushing the issue further back on the court’s docket, officials said.

STOP is seeking an injunction against the city alleging a violation of the Texas Alcoholic Beverage Code, according to court papers. Members of the lawsuit include: Rockin “R” River Rides, Texas Tubes, Corner Tubes, Gruene Home Run Batting Cage & Tubing, Stone Randall Williams and Lindsay Michelle Crim.

“With one side arguing (legal) minutiae and the other side fighting for the rights of Texans, it did go as expected,” Williams said. “The letter of the law is an interesting animal, but I believe the judge feels we have shown standing.”

Following the attorneys’ verbal jousting session, and the judges decision, representatives on both sides were legally accosted by various print, radio and television media crews waiting in the hallways and outside the courthouse.

“We really enjoyed the opportunity to present our case in court,” attorney Mick McKamie said. “We feel confident that Judge Carr will rule in our favor, and higher courts will, too.”

While the two sides plan to regroup ahead of a possible decision June 29, STOP attorney Scott Tschirhart said he is “still hopeful that ongoing settlement negotiations with the city may be concluded ahead of the judge’s ruling.”

June 7, 2007

Float News

Filed under: Floating — Float Master @ 2:50 pm

From the New Braunfles Herald

Former New Braunfels Mayor Stoney Williams is hanging his tube on the other side of the city council dais these days on the river ordinances issue.Williams said he was given a citation for violating the cooler size ordinance while floating on the river this past weekend. However, he did it for a reason, he said.

“I took my old standard 48-quart cooler that I’ve been floating with since 1989 on purpose,” he said. “It was really a test to see if police were enforcing it (the ordinance).”

Williams is named as a plaintiff in the latest filing aimed at overturning the city’s river ordinances.

Attorney Scott Tschirhart for Stop the Ordinances Please, an unincorporated group of business owners and other parties interested in the use and enjoyment of the Comal and Guadalupe rivers in New Braunfels’ city limits, filed an amended plea to jurisdiction with the Comal County District Court Wednesday.

STOP members named as plaintiffs in the lawsuit include Rockin “R” River Rides, Texas Tubes, Corner Tubes, Inc., Gruene Home Run Batting Cages and Tubing, Rivercrest Food Mart, Tire Repair Supply and Equipment, Tavern on the Gruene, Inc., Stone Randall Williams and Lindsay Michelle Crim, according to the court document.

The latest filing by Tschirhart expands the scope of the lawsuit to include eliminating the $1.25 per person river management fee levied on outfitters by the city.

The lawsuit says “Plaintiff Rockin “R” River Rides has paid the city over $480,000 in illegal and unconstitutional fees.”

A show cause hearing is scheduled for 9 a.m. June 6 at the Comal County Courthouse.

Mick McKamie, attorney for the city, could not be reached for comment.

Williams said nobody, including the police, want the ordinances and said the city council is to blame.

“What infuriates me is the police don’t want to write these tickets,” he said. “The city’s ego is too big to say we’re going to waste the tax payers money by reversing the ordinances on the big tubes and cooler size. It all comes back to council — get rid of the noise ordinance, get rid of the cooler issue, get rid of the tube size issue — that’s what council needs to do to make things right.”

Williams said New Braunfels police wrote Jennifer Seidel a ticket for an ordinance violation. He said when she went to the police department to pay the fine, she was told the penalty has not yet been set.

City Manager Mike Morrison said the ordinances will be enforced first by the river police, and second, the judge, Morrison said.

“The police officers will enforce the ordinances and the judge will set the fines,” he said.

Williams said he is not interested in reversing the beer bong or Jell-O shot ban.

“It amazes me the council passed the big tube and cooler size rules,” he said. “It would never have happened if I was still the mayor.”

Williams said a fellow rotarian equated him to a famous figure at the Rotary Club of New Braunfels meeting Wednesday.

“He said I was the Rosa Parks of the Comal River,” he said.

From the San Antonio Express New

NEW BRAUNFELS — When Stoney Williams was mayor, he voted in favor of a $1 fee on every tube and raft rental on the Comal and Guadalupe rivers in the city.Now he’s a plaintiff in a lawsuit seeking to have that fee declared unconstitutional.Williams joined the lawsuit, filed by the local group “Stop The Ordinances Please,” or STOP, after he was caught violating one of the more controversial aspects of the new rules: having an oversized cooler on the Comal River on Memorial Day weekend.

The lawsuit claims the city overstepped its authority in passing the cooler-size restriction, limits on the size and number of floatation devices people can bring on the rivers, bans on Jell-O shots and beer bongs, and the tube rental fee, which now is $1.25.

Williams said he was floating the Comal River with a group of friends, and purposefully brought an illegally large cooler and three tubes larger than the rules allow.

He said the officer who ticketed him either didn’t notice or did not care about the oversized tubes, but gave Williams one of the 18 tickets issued this past weekend for having a cooler larger than allowed.

“It’s shockingly ridiculous,” Williams said. “And I feel so sorry for the Police Department. I’ve talked to several policemen and they don’t want to be writing these tickets. They are being turned into political soldiers for an ordinance that is politically motivated.”

The lawsuit aiming to stop the city from enforcing those rules on tubers in the Comal and Guadalupe rivers was postponed again Wednesday, to give the Texas attorney general’s office a chance to intervene in the suit.

Visiting State District Judge Ron Carr reset Wednesday’s hearing on a temporary injunction to stop enforcement of the rules to June 21. He also ordered STOP and the city to hold a mediation conference before then to see if some or all the issues can be resolved.

Bradford Bullock, representing the city, said the amended suit filed May 30 by STOP alleges, for the first time, that the ordinances and fee violate the state constitution.

“When you make that claim, you have to give the attorney general the opportunity to respond and appear in court,” Bullock said. “We think, frankly, that if the attorney general gets involved, he will get involved on our side on some of these issues.”

STOP’s lawyer, David Earl, predicted that if the AG’s office chooses to get involved in the lawsuit, it would support his client’s position.

“I think every Texan has a right to enjoy public waterways and I think the attorney general will be very interested in protecting that right,” he said.

Williams said that although he’s now a plaintiff in the STOP lawsuit, he still thinks the tube rental fee is a good idea and he does not care about the Jell-O shot and beer bong bans. His only area of concern is the rules about cooler and floatation device sizes.

Williams said he also plans to fight the $219 ticket for having a too-large cooler at his June 11 appearance in Municipal Court.

May 24, 2007

Anti-River Nazi Float

Filed under: Floating — Float Master @ 11:08 am

Ding Dong the witch is dead.”
 

That is the song that keeps ringing in my head after this last election, so this float season I would like to dedicate this float season to our nemesis and FORMER city council member Mr. Ken “I hate floaters” Valentine.  This silly little Yankee transplant made it his goal in life to keep you off of HIS RIVER.  He and his River Nazis on city council have banned Jell-O, beer bongs, big tubes, big coolers, radios, loud talking, singing and fun on OUR RIVERS so the citizens of district 6 decided they would ban Ken.  Saturday May 12th the hammer of justice finally came down on the fun sucker and he was kicked out of office before his term had expired.  This has never occurred in the history of New Braunfels, and it has personally restored my faith in the people of district 6.  We will all toast the political action committee “Keep NBNB” for all of their hard work in ousting the Scotch guzzling ban monkey.
 

New Rules: I have spoken with the PD. And the Mayor, the PD thinks they are going to be forced to ticket for the coolers, and the Mayor said they are going to be asked to use their discretion.  I don’t know who to believe.  If you are a spineless coward and want to cow-tow to the Nazi’s then you will have to get a 16 oz cooler, if you are a true member of the NB float team you will stand up to injustice use your regular cooler and fight the man if they give you a ticket.
 

Sounds like there are going to be a lot of new people this year, so sponsors please go over the rules with your “guests” remember 1:00PM Saturday, May 26th at Landa Falls.  If you have to rent tubes get there earlier.

“man I shouldn’t have chugged that whole bottle of Johnny Walker before the meeting, I think I’m gonna Puuuuuu……
 valentine.jpg

I’ve called this press confrence to announce, yes I am a “Cotton Headed Ninnymuggins”

press conference

Air Warrior - Trained to kill Cotton Headed Ninnymuggins.

 Air Warrior

Yes I am Mrs. Valentine and I swear he said it was ok to steal this sign while taking my car for a walk.

 sign stealer

October 19, 2006

A guide to Toobing in Texas

Filed under: Floating — Float Master @ 3:40 pm

Floating Like Locals

The Insiders Guide to Toobing in Texas.

INTRODUCTION

I.                    Planning your Float (A Seaworthy Asylum)

A.)  Getting it together.

B.)   Delegating Authority

C.)  When and Where

D.)  Commitment

 

II.                 Hierarchy (Who’s runnin thangs?)

A.) Establish your reign

B.) Pickin yer crew.

C.) Keeping the minions in line

D.) Throwing out the trash

 

III. Getting Ready

            A. Cover Yourself

B. Are those my glasses?

Myths and legends

Phones
C. Waiting for the Austinites

D. He was just here…

E. The toob Count…I will be right back

 

IV. The Cooler-Dealing with the Mothership

            A. What is a cooler

B. What goes in

C. What doesn’t

D. Accesorries and Specialties

Smoke on the water-Buster and Rob
Wine is not beer
How much do I need
Where to find a beer
E. The Mothership

The mothership is a term I am sure was borrowed from various genre’ over the years, but has a very specific reference for this author.  R&B Funk master Supreme  and creator of the infamous Parliament, Funkadelic, and the P-Funk All Stars, George Clinton, introduced me to this term and I embraced it as a moniker of safety and security in all situations.  The Float Mothership is exactly that; a bastion of security and stability in what will inevitably be rocky times.  You see the Kooler, attached to a toob of decent floatablity is basically unsinkable in the water normally floated by the general pubic.  Some people would tend to put their most experienced floaters on the the Mothership, to guard its content and keep the life blood of the float secure.  This author has always put his most inexperienced floaters (under direct/experienced supervision) in charge of the Mothership for one simple reason.  Unless general panic insues, the Mothership and all that it entails will, thru shear force and engineering, do nothing but go with the flow of the river.  It has no choice.  It floats, the tube carrying it floats, its contents float, and all those attached, pending they stay that way, will also go the way of the river..  What better place for a weak floater that with the most durable of our resources.
The marriage…kooler and toob
Kooler vs. Sig other
 

V. Getting your toobs- One size fits Most

            A. That’s my toob

            B. Bottom V. No bottom

            C. Toob Gymnastics

            Flat toobs
The puritan
The stem
            D. Tempurature and Poundage

            E. Owning your own toob

Not just anyone can own their own toob.  Back in the day, any slob could sashe’ down to the local gas station, by a toob and call themselves a floater.  If I had a dime for every person I knew that did that, well, I would have…quite a few dimes…wait, that’s a quarter…and at least one nickel.  For the most part, the majority of river patrons rent tubes, only a few, mostly locals own them…here’s why.
 

VI. Dealing with Chicks

A. What to tolerate

Unicorn horn
B. The Kooler Revisited

Lots of chicks will treat your cooler like their own personal armore’
C.  Is she too good looking

Reeeeaaaaaly good looking chicks will attrack more dudes to your float, which is the last thisng you want
            D.Guys who are chicks

May not be gay
           

           

VII. The Float

A. Catching the floatilla

B. The Molecule

C. Satlilites

D. The Conversation

E. Dealing with the Public

Talking to rednecks (nascar)
lThe language barrier
keepin’ it real
affiliations
F. Your First  Rapids

E. The Aftermath

 

VIII. The Stretch

A.     Making it Last

B.     Where to pull over

C.     When to bail

In case of Fire
D.     Patching up the relationship

           

IX. Float Olympics

            A.Guys who Swim

            B. Wailing on your buddy

            C. “the Jaccuzi”

D. Living Vicariously

E.The Infirmary

           

X. THis is The END

Getting Out

Purging the Floatilla

The Waiting

The Shuttle

Likes to Fight Guy

Must identify
Where’s my toob

Post Float Festivities

 

Glossary

 

Float

Float Master

Vice Float Master

Sargent at Arms

Floatilla

Mothership

Float Crew

Austinites

Purging

Shuttle

Likes to fight Guy

Jacuzzi

Satlilites

Molecule

Dudes

Chicks

Bottoms

Minions

Dead Soldier

Purtitan

Stem

Toob

Kooler

Accessories

Specialties

El Duble’

Chute

Redneck

River Scum-out of favor

Noobies

Float concielare’

Comal- lady

Guad- whore

August 31, 2006

HE DOES DECREE

Filed under: Floating — Float Master @ 2:47 pm

And on the last day the Float god rested and said to all the creatures under him, “Thall shalt floateth on the Sabbath of September on the third day in the year of our lord 2006 at one hour past the suns zenith.  The place of gathering shall be the liquid falls of the man called Landa.

 

All of the float nation below heard the voice of the lord and rejoiced at his word.  There was much dancing, feasting and singing to the greatness of the Float God that he should give us this day our daily float.

  

The Float god did also degree that the Fleeple must remember the unholy human law that does not allow members of the float nation to purchase the fermented beverages of Malts and Hops before the suns zenith, and to do so would cause great consternation.

 

Beware the Valentine for it takes a human form and resides in a place of influence with the unholy ones.  The Valentine casts out the fermented gelatin, he casts out the dispensers of mass quantities and he casts out the music unto which we revel.  He causes lamentations of our people and shall forever be spoken of only in shameful whispers.

 

All praise the Float God, Master of us all, and the one that causes joy upon our unworthy souls.    

 

June 29, 2006

Rouge Float (non-sanctioned but condoned)

Filed under: Floating — Float Master @ 11:52 am

To all you connoisseurs of riparian frivolity, we are ready to FLOAT!

Saturday, July 1, 1:30 pm, Landa Falls. Be there for the “rogue” float (not “officially” sanctioned by the FM and his fleeple [float sheep]).

Since Saturday is Canada Day, we’ll blame them. Also, I will continue to celebrate my recent birthday (as you know, I’m over 40 but not very mature).

Please forward info to interested parties.

Float on!!!!

Susan

June 26, 2006

Troop Float 2006

Filed under: Floating — Float Master @ 1:24 pm

Oh say can you see… that the Troop Float is here? 

To all float soldiers let this email serve as notice you have been activated for the 4th of July Independence Day Troop Float.  Please report to Landa Falls with your gear at 1:00 PM Sunday July 2nd.  Be on notice that you will be required to wear your red white and blue and or your camouflage uniforms.  Tube decorating is optional but highly recommended your active participation is being graded.  If you do not report for duty by 1:00 PM you will be court-martialed and a naked picture of Ted Kennedy will be tattooed on your neck.

All the old rules apply like no whining and no glass or Styrofoam, but a few new ones have been created because of Ken “Craw-Fish” Valentine, don’t bring the little plastic cups for Jello shots (use the paper Dixie cups) and leave you beer bong and river jam box at home. 

This is going to be a very crowded weekend with Guadalupe floaters being shuttled to the Comal.  It would be a very good idea to get your tubes a few hours before float off.  That is not a request but an order!  We will have shirts available to purchase, we have a few left of the original NBF grays and several of our new More Beer More River shirts.  Remember you are never truly a part of the float unless you are sporting Float Like Locals gear.

Make sure you read Major Dr. Karin Hawkins letter posted below this one.  She has been in the big litter box over there for just over a month and has a great attitude and pride in what she is doing over there.  Captain James “Squivel” Esquivel just got back last month after a year and a half in Afshitistan.  He will be here with us for the first time in a long time so rub his head and tell him you are glad to have him back.  Captain Dan also just returned from the litter box, but will be unavailable for floating, he will be here the weekend of the 7th so make plans to go to the piano bar and toss back a few with him before he goes back on the 12th.  Kelly has a new toy soldier and is getting as much play as she can from him before he has to go over in August.  Everyone say hello to Martin “7” Franz (no relation to any Franz you may or may not know.)

As Devon would say, the float is at one and one is the time of the float, if you are wondering when the float is, think of one and wONEder no more.

 

 

Yours in the bond of the tube,

The Float Master.

June 6, 2006

Memorial Day Float Report

Filed under: Floating — Float Master @ 10:50 am

2006 NBF

Colored Disks of Jiggling Death. That’s how I would describe the memorial Jell-O shots. In all my years of I have never witnessed or experienced a Jell-O shot that would actually fool your gag reflex into thinking you’ve been up for 36 hours drinking syrup of ipecac and eating Indian food. There was so much ever-clear in the red ones I don’t know how the hell they even congealed, they must have use Clydesdale hooves in the recipe. The peach C.D.J.D’s tasted like Whitney Houston’s arm-pits after a hard weekend of hittin the pipe with Bobby and dancing the chicken dance to Mariachi music. The green devils kicked harder than a Chuck Norris heel kick to your crotchal region. A few of the rookie floaties ended up having a few too many and ended up writhering around burping up food but all and all there was very little damage done, but we have a new rule, Kelly and Mary are excused from Jell-O duty unless they get mixing lessons for a Chillis bartender. Let’s give them an A-.

Remember when we changed the time from 2:00 PM to 1:00 PM, and we sent out email after email, posted the time on Devon’s “myspace” called CNN and Fox News and had them report it to the national media? No? Well either does VFM Chris’s Austin contingent. Once again we waited around for the cubical dwellers and once again they were late, they even made Chris late by putting holes in his tubes so he would be late. (That’s the story he gave me anyway). Fran came in special from Uzbekistan or where-ever the hell he’s from and he was there early. Zuul (there is no Dana, only Zuul) made it to town and the river by 12:30 I even gave him tube and ice chest loading duty. We also need to give anti-kudos to Rick the brick Purdy for not even making it to the float. I said he was spending time with his FAMILY, can you believe that crap?

The river was ate up with tourists this year. I could walk from Hinman to the chute on top of stupid people. I love yelling snake when its really crowded with Houston chicks, and somebody for the love of the lord please tell the “20 somethings” that arm barbwire tats and tramp-stamps aren’t cutting edge anymore. I’ve never seen so much wasted ink since I wrote my senior thesis in psych class. Face it tattoo craze has passed you bye, you missed it, think of something else to set you apart from the crowd like not listening to rap music and talking like ghetto boyzzzzzz & gurlzzzzz. There is nothing the float master hates more than bunch of Anglo-Saxons from “Texas State” listening to Snoop Dog and calling each other “Nigga”. As a matter of fact it is now a city ordinance that we are allowed to drag your ass out of the river and cave your head in with a flat river stone….I know I know, but I didn’t write it, but it’s the law.

Let’s move on the some quick float updates and news in the world which is mine to command:

It is looking like the Float Master and Dave “Scoop” Ferguson may have our own show on KGNB/KNBT (92.1 FM 1420. AM) not sure which yet but tune in July and listen to our profound wisdom on how we think the world should be run. The Freedom Float is fast approaching so secure you tubes and beer early; red white and blue will be the colors of the day. Check back for more details.

Matt “I like having babies” Kyle and Kelly the “Peanut Heiress” Nicholson, are next on the big over the hill chopping block. I would tell you about the parties, but I’m sure a lot of you aren’t invited.

Captain James “Taliban Killer” Esquivel is back in the states and should be returning home to Austin in the next week or so. Tiffany is already trying to get him to enlist in the Navy so he will have to ship out again where he can’t spend any money and she gets to buy new vehicles. I have also noticed her yard man Nos Moking Sr. has been spending a lot of time at the house as well. Enough for now my little flotsam and jetsam. Remember…..The float will be with you……always.

May 24, 2006

Official Float Gear

Filed under: Floating — Float Master @ 12:59 pm

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Don’t forget Floaters and Floatesses, bring extra cash for your official Floatilla hats and shrits which will be available for purchase before we get on the river. Remember all proceeds of these sales go to our Floaters now stationed in Iraq and Afganistan, Aphganistan, Affglanistan……never mind you know what I mean.

May 12, 2006

Helpful Tips from the VFM

Filed under: Floating — Float Master @ 1:29 pm

To the Masses…

I have been asked by the FM to give a message to the floating masses out there. As VFM, I will impart this to you. Try not to ever cut your fingernails too short. If you let them grow long enough, sometimes in your excitement to get them cut you will at times over estimate the length and cut them too short. Upon doing this, it is very possible that you could irritate the underling tissue and esepcially the corner area of the nailbed. Sometimes if you are trying to grab something after doing this, but you don’t get a really good handle on whatever it is, and then it slips and you have to really clinch down hard to keep form dropping it, it can really hurt. And then it hurts for like 2 days every time you grab something or bump into that stupid countertop again. Then it gets all red and pussfilled and you’d rather have cut your whole freaking finger off instead of just the nail. Inevitably you have to take out the trash, and you do, ok, except for one little part of the bag is sticking out of the can, so you lean over just to flip the top up so it can fall in, and you hit it again! It is so sore now you fall to your knees sobbing like a child, screaming, WHY WHY WHY like that idiot Nancy Kerrigan after Tonya had her caned. When all you really wanted was people to stop looking at your ridiculously long claws.
Rich Hale VFM

Drought and Draught in 06 (A message from the Float Master)

Filed under: Floating — Float Master @ 11:14 am

Hidey Ho float-monkeys your Highness the Float Master here. The 2006 floating season is here, the time of year we get together and make fun of people, solve all of the worlds ills, discuss the inequities of life and the reasons why Richie still drinks Natty light, all in a 2 ½ mile stretch of life elixir we call the Comal.

Let me bring you up to date on news of your fellow floaters: Captain James Esquivel will be home from towel-headasskaban country at the end of June. Zuul has moved to North Carolina and shall be severely demoted as will Steve and Torri for moving to Austin. Matt and Kerri Kyle spawned another child; of course it was a boy. Kelly decided to move to London and then a week later decided not to. The Zeech got promoted to Deputy City Manager so we don’t have to worry about Bankston doing any serious jail time while in town. Two float concubines got new “sweater puppies”, which is nice, and last but not least The Longhorns won the national Championship, again. Now on to the awards, earlier in April we had the name the “Float Theme Contest”. We had several excellent entries and it took the judges many minutes to come up with the winners of the different categories.

Best Klan Reference Theme: Rich Hale with “Ivory and Ivory a New Braunfels Tribute Float.

Best use of a Dictionary Theme: Amy Clark with “”flotsam & jetsam”n.

a) Wreckage or cargo that remains afloat after a ship has sunk.
b) Floating refuse or debris.
c) Discarded odds and ends.
d) Vagrant, usually destitute people.

Best Hispanic Themed Float: Rich Hale “Livin La Vida Floata”

Best Ghetto Theme: Rich Hale “Floatizzle Da Rivizzle”.

Best Hobbit Themed Float: Chandler Clark with his “Baggins of Bongwater”

Best Weather related Theme: Devon Hanna’s “Dry Hump”

Best WTF does that mean: Rick Purdy “Whaty uppy guppy”

Best Obscure Reference Theme: Rich Hale with “Watery tarts lying in rivers throwing jello shots at people is no basis for a system of government (said in an English accent)

Honorable Mention: 1. Rich Hale with “Can’t Sink This! – Hammerfloat” 2. John Bankston “The great pimp and ho float”

3rd Place: Babies are people too! (John Bankston)

2nd Place: “Think about how great this float would be if Vince Young was running it float”. (Rich Hale)

1st Place Winner: Devon Hanna with “More Beer = More River”

Soon to be available on a T-shirt, this brings me up to my next bit of news. Hopefully by the 4th of July we will have the web site set up to place orders for our new product line “Float Like Locals” we will have T’s, tanks, hats, Koozies, stencils for your tubes, key chains and all the rest of the crap you float with. There will be 20 hats available for $15.00 each. They will have the new Float Like Locals logo on the front with Flotilla 2006 on the back they are sure to be a collectors Item so reserve yours now. Email me at guadacoma@nbtx.com and let me know how many you want.

Let’s get floating! The first float will be our annual Memorial Day Float on Saturday May 27th at 1:00PM (note the earlier start date you out of town leg humpers.) There will be several newbies on the float so everyone be on your best behavior and don’t scare off the new chicks. Make sure everyone RSVP’s so we can wait for you if you are running late…………..shit I crack myself up.

Phear us.