The New Braunfels Floatilla

The first thing you need to know about Michele is she grew up in a big family, a family with a mother who is German and a father who is Italian. When they weren’t trying to invade the surrounding towns they were running the “family business” if ya know wadda mean. Michele is the youngest of the Sacco “crew” and by the time she came around the family resources were a little scarce, hell they couldn’t even afford to put another L in her name.

By the time Michele was marrying age, her dad had moved up pretty far in the Cosa Nostra and they needed some political backing so they sold her to our state representative and she gave her to her son who we affectionately call the Giant.

If you don’t recognize Michele it is because she is an Empty Beer Can now, but in her prime she was the inventer of jell-o shots on the river. She spends her time now avoiding C.P.S. because she lets her son sleep on his stomach.

This crazy-eyed power behind the throne is the official concubine of the Float Master. A once powerful force of unbridled fun, known for spontaneous dance and jell-o shot gobbling, the Float Mistress had the party endurance of the freshmen class of Southwest Texas (Texas State), but mother-hood killed that Sara faster than John kills a jug of jungle juice, now its “no honey you go ahead with your fun, I’ll stay and watch the baby”. WHAT A GOOD WOMAN SHE IS.
Sara spends her time now collecting baby magazines and complaining about the cable bill, but one day she will be back. Oh she will be back.

When I think of Travis I think of Michael Jackson’s song “Smooth Criminal”, not because his last name is Crim but because Travis always wished he was molested by Michael as a child. He says only for the money, but the way he talks about it you tend to wonder.
Other than his taste in beer Travis is a very good floater with reputable skills in the partying department. Rare is the day when Travis is not the last one standing, he almost killed Lob on a two day partying binge, but while Rob was passing out in his bathtub Travis was at home playing hide the wookie with his fem-floater before he passed out, unfortunately it was only about 2 minutes later.

I have to say that Le is a pretty good floater. She rarely shirks a duty and is good natured during pre float preparation. Although times have changed her a bit, Le is a lot like having another guy on the float.
Good for chugging a beer when needed, or to hook you up with a dip if your can of Skoal gets trashed. And it never hurts to have a chic on the float that not only looks like Howdy Doody’s big sister, but who’s sportin’ D cups, and legs that should be sued for non support. What some of you may not know about her is that she is one of our more refined floaters, with a degree in Art History from an accredited University. That made all more shocking when you learn, she was born in Tennessee, raised by parents from Georgia, and lived in West Virginia.
A redneck state tri-fecta that could only produce a feisty redhead, with more attitude than most “sisters”, less patients than most 2 year olds, and a mean streak that makes Idi Amin look like Mother Teresa and fighting style of Mike Tyson.

Big Rick Purdy has become the most famous of our flotilla, he is the 2005 world record holder for power-lifting in his weight and age group and the only thing he is “juiced” with is cigarettes and whiskey. Rick has spent years looking for something he is good at and finally found two. Lifting weights and having a child a week before he goes in for his vasectomy.
The only man to ever make Rick cower is a wo-man and she stands about 5’2” and goes by the name Mrs. Rick Purdy. Susan to her friends and “Yes Dear” to Rick carries Rick’s twig and giggle berries in her purse and only brings them out to taunt him. Big Rick is a great floater and would give you the shirt off his back…..but it won’t fit you.

Taylor “Sailor” Lee is a man of many faces, like the movie the man with a 1000 faces except Taylor only has 3. He has his regular face then after a few drinks he has his Scottish face and after a few more he falls into his Aussie tennis pro face (which you can see above). Much to Taylor’s chagrin he once met a girl with his Aussie face, she fell for it and he had to try and date her with his Aussie face for several weeks, needless to say it didn’t work out. Taylor also has the most unusual ability to talk for exactly one hour and never take a breath.
Sailor used to be a valued member of our flotilla until he joined the Scooter hoard and now he only “Scoots” with them. I don’t even know why we even put him up on this board… Maybe someday he will return to the light.

Is there any thing in there…anything at all??? That is what I think when I look into the cavernous abyss of James Esquivels dark brown eyes. And just when you think there is nothing there…a twitch…a bit of tobacco laden spit slips out from the edge of his mouth… and then it speaks. You listen for a minute, then realize you were right to think him empty in the first place, and slowly back away.

James is a great floater, good for the prep and for the party. First to act in many float related needs. Unfortunately, for us, he has decided that getting naked is one of them. Long before Matthew McConaughey, Uncle Sam and his daughter Avery started sucking his waking hours our James was the naked bongo boy. James is naked so much, that a $10.00 pool was commissioned to guess the over/under on Esquivels privates becoming public. It’s gonna happen, just like the sun rising in the east…James’ moon will rise, just as true. I do not think that beer is an issue…it is the “brown water” that almost certainly the cause for us to be one on one with his “boys”. A true “metro” James has been know to pick his river headgear from Tiffany’s closet instead of his own. In short, on a float, he is like a devil possessed.

James is on hiatus from the Flotilla serving his Country in Afghanistan. Capt. James “Squivel” Esquivel joined the military after getting drunk and watching the Stripes marathon on TBS one weekend, but unlike Stripes, he doesn’t get to test out the Generals new urban assault vehicle and make love to hot bodied MP’s; he’s over in Afcrapistan eating camel spiders, drinking sand and driving a WWII rent-a-wreck with two Dixie cups and a long string for a radio, and he thought the military wasn’t going to be glamorous. I have to say, his shiny bum will be a welcome sight when he and his tube ride again.

Hooorah!!!

Major Karin “I forgot her name” Hawkins

When the Hawk is not breakin hearts she’s fixin’em. As legitimate Doctor in our flotilla she has saved countless lives. I once saw her replace Chandler Clarks defective heart with one she removed from river nutria she hunted and killed while on a float last year, her only surgeon’s tools were a broken beer bottle and hair from Matt Kyle’s chest to stitch it up with.

Even though she is a very creative river surgeon she is terrible at the “tube-sit” after repeated lessons from the Float Master himself she failed miserably. I guess tube-sitting wasn’t on her M-CAT.

Sidebar: If you injure yourself on the river it better not be more than six inches from the heart, any farther and she doesn’t know what the hell she is doing.

What can I say about Man-whore? This cross-dressing shirt stealing lunatic is one of the many aggie transplants to slither into our midst. When he is not stealing Willie Nelson Tee-Shirts from Longhorns he is cross-dressing in his grandmothers Moo-Moo’s. His proclivity for inappropriate sexual advances and his total disregard for the Christian code of ethics have earned him his moniker.

When he is not stealing from others you can find him camped out on the Texas State campus in front of one of the girls dorms with a six pack of budwiser and a ½ gallon of baby oil.

It’s hard to profile Benson. By hard I mean you have to be careful.
Even though he is one of the more experienced Rivermen around and his skills are to be respected, he can be a bit sensitive. So I must say…respectfully, of course and with no malice intended…if George Costanza and Jimmy Buffet were to have a gay love child, they’d squeeze out a little Chris Benson.

When the first Float rankings came out a couple of years ago, Chris was the only one to retain counsel regarding his status, and bring up anyone who’s assigned float level may have been achieved thru some sort of bribe or extortion. Most of you are still under his review. All this from our second highest ranked Float Official, who still can’t get to the drop zone on time. ‘There can be only one’, Float Master that is, so get over it Chris.

One thing you can’t say about Chris is that he lacks Float energy. Actually that is true of him in most settings. Especially when it comes to all things Longhorn. This is evident by his choice of color on the car he drives. I mean really, aside from numerous gay male hairdressers in the South Austin area, who else would drive a Tangerine Audi Coupe, a convertible no less. You don’t’ take that car to a gay pride parade…that car is a gay pride parade. I wouldn’t be surprised if it was Richard Simmons car before Chris bought it, maybe there is a pencil in the glove box with Richards teeth marks…’George’.

Chris won’t admit this (like most horns), but he likes Aggies…those that have relations with sheep, those that are unable to do 4th grade math, those that like to play army and march around tooting horns, he doesn’t discriminate. Chris is also recently married, or at least that is what he says. And to that I say, thank you Caryn. Thanks for taking our little loveable gnome of a VICE Float Master and making him somewhat human.

Chris once brought a radio to the float…that was pretty cool.

Rob “Lob” Snow

Lob is our resident computer nerd, his techno-geek knowledge is only supplanted by his ability to give you the heights of male actors from the 40’s and 50’s, straight and gay. Rob is the website administrator so we will have to refrain from really pissing him off. Rob is probably the greatest person I have ever known. He is brave, kind, thrifty, and loyal, he is like a medium sized dog that doesn’t fetch and kind of smelly but great for a laugh when he corners a squirrel.

If Rob didn’t have a pregnant wife we would swear he was Just Jack from the “Will and Grace” TV series. Thin, neat, dresses well and drives a BMW.

Vice Float Master Rich Hale,

Rich Hale, hails from the Maroon encrusted city or cities of Bryan/College Station. They are Aggies so they can’t really decide what city they live in or where the borders are. He attended Bryan High then Aggie High. He graduated with a degree in Floating while serving in the Corp. of Cadets where he learned how to polish his boots and cut his own hair.

Mr. Hale is the only royalty of the flotilla that still lives out of town. The 3 hour drive is nothing more than a jaunt down the road to Rich when you mention “float this weekend.” He has logged more hours on the Comal than most of the flotilla combined. He has shed himself of the auslander stigma with his purchase of lederhosen and his ability to give correct directions to any place in New Braunfels that serves breakfast tacos. Inventor of the vertical tube sit, and many of our commonly used float phrases such as the “float molecule” and “cooler etiquette”. His only major flaw is his choice of beer. When you open up a cooler and see the sickening shine of Natty Lights you know you have groped the wrong cooler. Richie confesses “I can’t drink those fancy beers you nancy-boys drink. I’d drink mule piss if I can find enough of it to last me down the river.”

Mr. Hale’s favorite activity in the whole world is drinking Natty lights and watching the 1999 U.T. vs aTm game.

Matt, used to be the counsulere’ of the flotilla but after numerous marriages and instant children Matt has fallen in disfavor with the ruling party. Even though his excuses for missing the floats have grown tiresome, his past supplies of floosies from “Bad-Match.com” have given him a few more months’ leeway. Matt’s days of bachelorhood are behind him now with a lovely wife who is sure to either kill him in his sleep or slowly poison him when she finds out he is a homosexual. Matt is the only male in the group who actually did Community Theater and has been know to pick up a guitar and play a song other than the first few bars of smoke on the water. Matts’ 15 minutes of fame came back in college at Tiny School U. where he greased up and won the Mr. Oklahoma contest and played football for the Roo’s. No we are not kidding…..The Roo’s. They won all of their games except for the schools that had an actual football team and didn’t just play the woodwind sections of their bands.

Matt’s hobbies include collecting neck scars and singing ballads. If you want to get his attention just slip and fall somewhere and he’ll hand you one of his cards.

Melissa hails from our very own New Braunfels Texas. Unfortunately she attended the red cat school across town which probably accounts at least partially for her float name of “Hell-Cat” A long time floater with golden locks, sparkling eyes and a winning smile, fool many into thinking she is sweet and innocent. When crossed, you will see why she is named Hell-Cat. With a flash of her red eyes she has been known to cause grown men to wet themselves and children to spontaneously combust. Beware a hungry Hell-Cat

Her hobbies include being pregnant, and drinking the blood of the innocent.

(Edited for fear of my life)

Caryn Benson, is the newlywed of the floatilla. She married into royalty when she got hitched to our very own Vice Float Master Chris. Caryn CURRENTLY works for the local newspaper the Herald Zeitung selling ads to the Float Master. Common Law has the distinct and sole position of being the only “complete” red head in the entire floatilla. Unlike most of her kind Common Law has a very sweet disposition until you get on her bad side. Many Shubs and Zuules have roasted in that pits of the Slore when that happens.

Caryn enjoys changing jobs, living in sin, and making friends with the same name.

As you can see by Busters picture he swallows a lot of stress……along with a lot of cheese burgers. Buster has the most interesting job of the group, he is private investigator or as we like to say a “private dick”, he models himself after Magnum P.I. but exercises more like Cannon. His good nature and continuing efforts to always bring in new fem-floaters makes him a valuable asset to the float molecule.

Eric is president of a sub-group of floaters called the “come get-ya some, gang” for their animalist sexuality that drives our fem-floaters into a foaming mouth frenzy.